La última vez que le veo .. 18.12.03 L

Eso lo escribí hoy en twitter y es posible que sea así.

Yo no pensaba seriamente que sería asi.

Hoy me sentia un poco triste, ya que el fue un poco indiferente conmigo durante el día, pero qué me puedo esperar de él si desde el principio él me dijo “no te enamores de mí” …

Sí los cálculos no me fallan y le fallan, el me besó en GTW el sábado 10 de Noviembre, el 12 de vino a mi casa y el 14 se acostó conmigo, algo que recuerdo fue cuando íbamos a consumar el acto, me besó y me dijo “por la primera de miles”.

Esa noche fue increíble, después de meses de celibato, ese hombre me llevó al cielo como nunca nadie.

Y hoy 3 de diciembre, se fue de mi casa, a las 11:35 pm…. porque estaba comiendo en mi cama y se le cayó un pesado de la comida congelada que me trajo … me enojé y le dije usa el platooooo… pero el plato estaba caliente … como ya le había dicho antes.

Dijo que no quería estar más aquí y se empezó a vestir.  Me disculpé, pero decidió irse y decidí no rogarle.

Justo antes estaba pensando eso, que no tenía porque andar rogando cariño de ningún hombre.

Bien lo decía Karen, las mujeres damos sexo para que nos den amor y los hombres dan amor para recibir sexo. ¡Qué palabras tan ciertas! Las sentí calándomela dentro más que nunca.

La verdad, es que el no me gustaba pero bueno ahi estoy yo, terminando empiernándome con él.

La semana pasada en la noche me acompañó a North V .. y el me quería agarrar de la mano y cosas así que no me hacían sentirme cómoda. Pero supongo que con otra persona como Josip o Fabio me habrían gustado.

Además según el yo mire a unos chicos rubios que iban pasando y se puso algo jealous… I cant believe it.

Ya antes me había dado cuenta que a él no le gustaban algunas cosas mías, y que a veces yo era algo insoportable para él, una pesada como tantas veces me lo dijo. Pero hoy, llegó a su máximo. Siempre lo jodo, porque no ensucie mi cuarto, y hoy no aguantó más y se fue… sin calcetines, le urgía irse.

El dice que soy muy mandona.

El Lunes me voy de viaje así que estos días debería haber sido tranquilos … ya después al irme le diría que pensará qué onda con nosotros.  Pero quizás no hay nosotros. Y así esta bien, antes de que se hiciera indispensable.

El quería que le contara la historia del prenupcial que le hice, seguro se imaginaba cosas muy locas, pero no lo es …tanto. creo, ¿no?.

El chaste es que se fue hoy, ya no sé si escribirle o no. Lo haré diciendo que dejo su cinturón olvidado.

Siempre le decía “eres un romántico” de forma irónica, pero el decía que quizas había otras maneras de demostrar las cosas…como viajar desde North V con comida y bebidas para nosotros. Quizás.

Casi nunca salimos, la verdad, era más venir a mi casa, comer algo y follar. Y así estaba bien para mi, así no gastábamos y no nos veían en público. Sí, esa es parte de la verdad. Una vez fuimos a comer comida china, a pesar de que la comida fue mala, me la pase bien, me gustó su compañía. El sábado para el domingo se quedó a dormir en mi casa, fue la segunda vez que lo hizo. Salimos juntos como a las 7:30 am y me sentí excelente saliendo a su lado, tomando el tren, en esa mañana fría.

¿Me estoy enamorando de él? Lo dudo, pero creo que apacigua mi soledad. Quizás la soledad es la que nos hace soportar eso. No me gusta que sea tan mugrsosín, pero me aguanté, pero quizás si me pasé.

Hoy hubo momentos en que me quedé así cómo ..para que vienes si solo vas a ver youtube y me vas a ignorar. Mejor quédate en tu casa, pensé, pero obvio no lo dije. ¿Y qué quería yo? Quería que me mimará, que me besara, que me escuchara, que platicara conmigo y no que solo se echara a ver cosas que quería.

Ahí me cayó mal, pero bueno ahora no está …. y no me siento mal, ni triste. Pero no sé, era lindo tener a alguien ….

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No creo

No creo en nada, pero quiero creer en vos.

Quiero creer que lo mejor siempre está por venir.

Quiero creer en vos.

Quiero creer en nosotros y el futuro.

 

Depression is stalking me … 11 OCT 2018

Everything started by him telling he was going to marry.

I concludedI the day and I was right.

I thought it would not affect me, and even by knowing the day. I felt OK.

Some days later, I found of some of my colleagues went out together and as usual, they didnt invite me.

To be honest, it touched me, and I refused to go to the party they had on Sunday night.

I stayed at home thinking about excused I could make for not going… That was like seeing an old picture of my life…

On Saturday I didn’t have volunteer so I could rest and I got better for my flu.

I decided to go to the English cafe with Yumi and it was nice. I met a handsome Chinese guy and a Turkish guy.

But we didn’t go to dinner so I came back home early, during the commuting some drunk guy introduced himself to me .. I was nervous because I don’t like to deal with such people, they can be dangerous I think, but I got off in the next station.

  

On Monday, I went to work as usual … but after leaving my job place I took the bus and I couldn’t help myself .. and I started crying.

Why?

So many emotions were in my heart hiding… and I think I know why …

For the rejection I felt from my coworkers … It did hurt me …

For his wedding …. It did hurt me

My trainers stolen outside my house … It doesn’t hurt, but it was not a good think.

For my pitiful raise of 2.75% that is around 0.35 Cents. … a fucking joke…

All these hurt me …  even if I act as it doesn’t.

I saw a picture of the wedding through Vikis WhatsApp status.

I started searching for wedding ideas, thinking my wedding would be much better than his.

But what If? What If I never married?

I talked to him yesterday, I felt envy for everything he got for me… and how I did not get anything.

I know it is not a good feeling.

I really think I must stop talking to him.. It won’t take me to anywhere.

What happen …happens .

You know, I think if his girlfriend were not pregnant we could be together and today I thought.. Why you didn’t wait for me?

It is over.

he wrote me in his wedding day:

Wish me luck laf. And one thing I can and will promise you on this day. I will always love you and keep ur place in my heart and if u will want it, you will have me in ur life… God bless you 🙅‍♂

idiot …  I should get away …

Finally I see it! 👀

Yesterday I went to a party with Kit and Serge. He is totally in love with her but she even has a British boyfriend, handsome and such… but I didn’t know she and Serg even have sex. 😯😯😯😯😯

She is very pretty. I thought she was just fooling around with him, but it seems its more than that. Even Serge had spent the night in her new flat.

But why?

I think she just uses him, to have fun, to have someone who will take her on trips and such.

Suddenly, I related to that story. He stops talking to her and then she writes and he is back to this endless circle.
It is my story. My stary with Edgar K. I wanted to write him but I didn’t and I shouldn’t. It has been almost a year since the last time we communicated ..after the earthquake.

I finally stop being in his life and he stopped writing me. Sometimes I thought about writing him… telling … you forgot about me.. you are so bad …. Such as Kyt does with Serge now.

I have seen this story.

I told Serge, she uses him for build up her ego. Such as Charlie M. told me some years ago. That I was just using Edg for that.
He was right.

Edgar knew I would never have something serious with him, but then again I was jealous when he was around other girls. Why?
Why do we women do that to nice man?

Serge knows she will never take him seriously. I wonder if Edgar knew or If he deep inside thought we would end up together.
I remember he told me I was the love of his life … he told me he wanted to be my boyfriend and then even marry me. He was nice with me.

I talked Serg …that Kit was not good … I was not good either.

I finally see how bad I was and how Edg could have felt because of me and that was something not to be proud about. 😐😔

I think he is better without me … After seeing how much it hurts for Sergs .. I feel also ashamed of my past behaviour.😔

Prettier than you think

My friend Daniel told me I am prettier than I think I am.

During many time I feel less attractive than the average girls. They were all with nice make up and such.

But I think I am pretty. No, I don’t think .. I am sure.

The other day a customer told me I had a beautiful smile… he liked me … and he was a nice guy, blond and such.

I should have said something else butI just said thanks.

That date also a man was waving at me from a van, haha.

The other day a man randomly in the subway told me in Spanish that I have nice eyes…

The Taiwanese guy told me I had a nice skin colour, haha.

I am an attractive woman .. I must use it or lose it.

I shouldn’t forget it … I am an attractive woman …

I remember the first time Walter saw me. He just saw me and he got caught in my beauty.

and come on, such as attractive guy as Fabio …

and Laf, Sergey, etc.

I am hawt! I must face it!

I feel specially pretty when I wear a strong lipstick. 💄💋

My eyelashes are a problem though. When I put the fake lashes. I think I looked very beautiful.

I remember when I landed in Amsterdam, Sergey saw me and kissed me …

I am beautiful!😉😎☺️😚🤩😘

Did I tell you when I blackout?

It was in QO in the house I shared with some roomies.

It was with Fabio, the super hot brazilian guy.

I don’t remember anything. He told me.

I think that day we went to a club. It was a great night with my gym friends.

Man, I miss those days.

I was so happy such days.

I remember was we were arriving to my home, and he was kissing me and bend me over to a table that was outside, I asked him to stop since, there was a camera my landlord have, hahaha.

My landlord was crazy but he is a good man, a christian guy.

I remember once his little son asked me if I had a boyfriend.. haha.

You see the good thing about writing is that you just keep and keep …

I wanted to talk about the day I blackout while having sex with Fabio and I ended up so far away… my mind is just wandering with not destination.