Todo lo que hicimos nos trajo aquí .. esta es tu vida

Hoy 26 de mayo de 2018, después de hablar platicado durante horas con JZ decido que aquí termina nuestro capítulo de amor incompleto.

Te perdono JZ y me perdono.

Por todo lo que nos hicimos, lo que nos fallamos, lo que nos engañamos, lo que nos herimos, lo que nos mentimos.

Te perdono por romperme el corazón, te perdono por todo, por que ya es pasado.

Por que yo también fallé, porque no te valore y ni me valoraste.

Porque éramos jóvenes e inmaduros, porque nunca supimos qué hacer.

Te perdono porque continuas tu vida sin mi, me perdono por no haber arriesgado todo por ti.

Me perdono por no haberte dicho NO antes.

Me perdono por no saber si te amo o no.

Ahora lloró porque lo nuestro se acabo, pero de alguna manera siempre estaremos conectado por todo el cariño que nos queda.

Te perdono y te dejo ir.

Me perdono y doy permiso de irme y ser feliz.

Quiero que seas feliz .. quiero ser feliz.

Ahora sólo somos amigos, no volveremos a estar juntos románticamente y eso está bien.

No somos el uno para el otro, pero somos importantes el uno para el otro.

Sólo nos queda aprender de nuestros errores, no volverlos a cometer y saber que todo lo que nos pasa es lo mejor que nos puede pasar, es lo que elegimos y al final todo tiene un por qué.

Dios sabe el por qué de las cosas.

No sabemos de lo que nos está librando.

Hoy 26 de mayo de 2018, después de hablar platicado durante horas con JZ decido que aquí termina nuestro capítulo de amor incompleto.

Te perdono JZ y me perdono.

Por todo lo que nos hicimos, lo que nos fallamos, lo que nos engañamos, lo que nos herimos, lo que nos mentimos.

Te perdono por romperme el corazón, te perdono por todo, por que ya es pasado.

Por que yo también fallé, porque no te valore y ni me valoraste.

Porque éramos jóvenes e inmaduros, porque nunca supimos qué hacer.

Te perdono porque continuas tu vida sin mi, me perdono por no haber arriesgado todo por ti.

Me perdono por no haberte dicho NO antes.

Me perdono por no saber si te amo o no.

Ahora lloró porque lo nuestro se acabo, pero de alguna manera siempre estaremos conectado por todo el cariño que nos queda.

Te perdono y te dejo ir.

Me perdono y doy permiso de irme y ser feliz.

Quiero que seas feliz .. quiero ser feliz.

Ahora sólo somos amigos, no volveremos a estar juntos románticamente y eso está bien.

No somos el uno para el otro, pero somos importantes el uno para el otro.

Sólo nos queda aprender de nuestros errores, no volverlos a cometer y saber que todo lo que nos pasa es lo mejor que nos puede pasar, es lo que elegimos y al final todo tiene un por qué.

Dios sabe el por qué de las cosas.

No sabemos de lo que nos está librando.

 

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It’s never too late

I came to my home city but I didn’t tell much people. I thought because I wouldn’t have enough time to meet everyone and that’s true.

Well, the few friends I expected to see I didn’t. Because maybe they were too busy or didn’t care to see me. I cried yesterday, even when I act like things don’t matter.

I do believe, everyone was busy and the rainy weather didn’t help. On the other hand, people as Peter, Karen and Mill would probably have loved to meet me but I didn’t even tell them I was going.

Then I realized I much do much more with my friends, the ones back home and the news ones. I know money is a matter now that I live abroad, pay an expensive rent and earn almost minimum wage… But I shouldn’t let this to stop me going out with my friends.

Like that Sunday when Ray invited me out and I didn’t go. I just used Amy as excuse. I meant she was sad at home but I didn’t want to go also.

I think because I am lazy but I need to overcome this. Need to hang out more with friends and family.

It also made me sad I practically don’t see more of my family..

I thought about writing more to my friends and even maybe video call them to keep the relationship strong.

I need to go out more with friends.
Write my old friends.
Write to my family.

I can change now.. It’s. Not late.

And next time I’m Going back home. I will let everybody know in advance…

Did I tell you?

Did I ever tell you how I met Fabio?

Well, since I saw him in the laboratory I liked him and some how I knew he was Brazilian. He was a housemate of Edward, so I guess from him I knew his name.

One day, I got an email about the houses and he was on copy. Now, I had his name and email.

I have met him in the cafeteria a couple of times. We just said hi and smile. So, one day I wrote him in the company chat, just being friendly and polite.

I went on holidays to the beach.

I came back. He gave me his cellphone.
On Friday he asked me if I was in town. I was hitting the gym but after that we went out to a German named bar when we drank honey beer, my favorite in 2×1.

I got drunk and I think I told him Brazilians were handsome then he asked me… Then why you don’t kiss me?

Hahhahaa
That was the beginning. 😋🤩☺️😳😈🤫🤭

Final

This should be the second or maybe the third time I think I might die…

The first could be when I was in a low cost flight from Amsterdam to Prague. The flight attendant went row by row to ask us to turn off all our devices. Airplane mode wasn’t enough. We had to turn off our devices that was weird. Sergey was in panic because he hates flying, but we landed well.

So I won’t count this experience then.

So, the first time I thought “that’s it” was when a big earthquake hit my city in 2017. Some days before there was an earthquake too. I usually not afraid of earth movements but I was starting to panic because this was taking too long.

Luckily, it stopped. It was just a preparation for what was coming.

I think it was a Thursday, I was in the gym when I started feeling something was moving. I looked at the guy who was cleaning and he just agreed with his eyes to my doubt that it was tembling.

We rapidly left the gym, but we had to leave one by one thru a small space. Then in the stairs an old lady was being helped to go down. So the rest of all we were after her. In that moment I thought that’s it, my end. I wanted to cry. I was about crying. Then I came back to sanity and we were safely on the ground.

After this experience. I had nervous issues for almost a month.

The second time, was today during my flight. The crew told us there were gonna be turbulence, but it was really scary. The first thought that came to my mind was my mom. She would be destroyed if something happened to me. If something happened I would like my mom to carry on, maybe “adopt” one of my old friends like a daughter. I love my mom and I would like her to be happy even without me.

My eyes watered. This time I felt sad by leaving my mom behind. Last time, we were in such a hurry that we didn’t have time to be nostalgic.

I love my mom, but I think I should tell her that if someday I’m not with her, she should enjoy life, spend her money, help the poor.

😊

It´s over .. adiós

Today I had a dream about Josef, I dreamt he came to see me, he was looking very good and I told him something like I almost don talk to you because I dont want to know that you have someone else in your life, I cant stand that. I cant see you happy with someone else.

After my dream I wrote to him that we should meet. I thought we could meet again before deciding if we belong together or not. His answer were not so clear. He told me he had someone now (as I thought) and that even she might be pregnant now.

That´s all.

All I needed to now. It is over.

Maybe God is saving me from something. I remember many things I didnt like about Josef, like his lack of ambition.

I think is better this way.

I cried, yes I did. I won´t deny it.

Maybe is my fear of staying alone forever. But I shouldnt see people as an option.

Yesterday, José wrote me and told me he got divorced and that we would love to see me .. maybe from there was that I dreamt about Josef.

He never told me personal details of his life .. I did … I told him about the brazilians, etc.

He just told me once he would marry one girl there. When he was drunk a couple of times he sent me messages saying I am the one that I should go fast or all is over.

But now all is over.

It is ok, so I don´t see him as an option.

And now I’m glad I didn’t know 
The way it all would end the way it all would go 
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain 
But I’d have to miss the dance 

Cuando íbamos

Domingo 20 de mayo 2018

Hoy recordé cuando iba con Pedro a hacer el super después de ir al gym.

Era en domingo, hacía calor pero iba en mi camioneta y el en su coche.

Era divertido.

Me gustaba vivir en esa ciudad e ir a ese gimnasio y a ese super. Me sentía libre, independiente.

Después en casa no había nadie que me molestara.

Pedro era un buen amigo, el que decía, aquello que te choca hacer es lo que más necesitas hacer.

It’s been a while since the last time I wrote.

Wednesday, May 16

Last time I wrote, I was “in love” of Fabs, the Brazilian guy. Months have passed since then. And today I talked with him, hehe.

At the moment I’m not romantically involved with any man. Sadly or wisely.

I moved to Canada in January 2nd.

I remember I used to be concerned about how it would be before I was applying for my study program. But I did it and I have been here for four months already.

Time flies.

At school I made a friend from my city but in February she started dating with a Swiss guy from our class, now they are in a relationship and we don’t hang out anymore. During all January we used to hang out practically every weekend and sometimes after class. Thanks to her I joined the gym.

Later, I met other friends. I think, tho I am not sure if they can be called friends and I don’t Care.

This was my chance to start again but I think I haven’t changed a lot or maybe I did.

Later I made friends of my roommates that are mostly from my same country and from a young girl from Vietnam. She is still a teenager so sometimes she is annoying hehe.

I started worked at a restaurant. OMG! I hate when I have to go, but I haven’t gone in 3 days and I already missed it.

Yesterday, I decided to go to my work party in the south of the province. OMG, it was so far away. I arrived late because I had to go to school, but I am glad I went to the party.

I met my Brazilian coworker in the last subway station and then we took a bus and walked and got lost so finally at 17hrs we made it.

I got surprised this girl is just 19 yo, this is crazy I am so much older than her..  :O

I spent a nice time even if I just stayed few hours to the party. At the end, a girl wanted to leave and I said, ok I can go with you. Which, was a good decision so I actually arrived faster to my home and I had to chanced to talk to her. She is older than me, and she is also here studying and well, she is living and facing the same things I am.

Something, Eduard told me before was that we need friends of our age or older and that is totally fine. I mostly hang with younger people but I need friends of my age or older, so I can grow up more .