central american men

Yes, other man in my list.

So, we work together … online, since he we lived in different countries.

I don’t remember how come he ended up in my whatsapp list.

So, since almost one year I work with him. I remember once he has the picture of he and a girl and I asked if she was his girlfriend. He said she was.

Other day, I was confusing about love and I remember he told me that when he/she is the one, you just know it and that he was sure his girlfriend was the one.

We used to talk and he was always inviting me to his country. I replied his girlfriend would kill me.  He said they had many problems, that she is too difficult and probably by December he would have no girlfriend.

What a liar! HE really knows how to play his cards.

So, we met in Panama. Destiny? Probably. I was flying to my country and he was flying to Amsterdam.  The chances were minimal but we met. I saw him in fact. and I double thought about saying HI or not. While thinking my body already walked towards him and said: hey it’s me … Samantha!!!!

I was nervous, he looked more handsome in person that in the many pictures of him that I stalked  hahaha .

I felt shy because I wasn’t looking great. We had a beer and later we said bye. We stayed together like 1 hour. After this he started his way to Amsterdam and I my way to home and later to China. When I arrived to HK I met Ana. We spent the night there and next day we travelled to continental China.

On Sunday afternoon we arrived to SZ. I texted him telling we were already in the training city. He came and I greeted him normally but he grabbed me close to him. It was a bit strange for me, but then I knew, he wasn’t indifferent towards me.

On Monday he wanted to take a selfie with me 🙂 I don’t remember if that day he came to my hotel room and instead sitting on my chair he lied on my bed … hmm ok I thought.

On Tuesday he said he needed my help for some work issues. He came and we finished working in 5 minutes. Later he went to smoke in the balcony and told me to go with him. We talked for an hour, and it was obviously he was going to kiss me.  He finally did. It was a warm night, it was very cool. We came in and we kept kissing … We spent the night together … but no, we didn’t shag.  All was very nice.

We slept together 3 night. The second night he wanted to shag me, but I refused since we didn’t have condoms and plus my period… maybe I was lucky we didn’t shag.

Later, it was time to go to HK and Beijing, where I shared room with Ana and He with Diogo. We didn’t have the chance to sleep together again, but we were kissing and touching when no one was seeing. It was fun.

After 11 days together he had to go back home. We said BYE in the airport, all of the team. And his goodbye was too casual. So, I thought all started in China and all finished there. But when I came back he kept writing me and calling my ¨love¨ and such.

We continue chatting, talking and seeing us in video. The things became hot but it was a time when I didn’t feel comfortable and I was about to tell him, If you want to shag instead bothering me by text you should go and shag your girlfriend. Dammit, I knew it, he has a girlfriend. I knew this have to end. So, This weekend he told me he fought with his girlfriend because she didn’t want to meet his son. Yeah, he has a girlfriend, but also a baby boy who was conceived when he still has a girlfriend (as I understand).

WOW, he is really a bad news, right? Anyway, It put all in perspective. I like him and he is my friend and that is how things should stay.  🙂

What I learnt from this is that …men cheat … I wonder if there are men who don’t cheat. I’m not sure.

No, what I really learnt is what I want in a man .. many characteristics that he has, besides not being Brad Pitt he is handsome, has style, dress nicely, has dream, a proper job, ambitions, has the photo of his gf in his wallet and phone.

Many things that he has I hope to find it in a boy who loves me…

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INTENSE

He is so intense, we said. That crazy boy who told me many times “I LOVE YOU”.

He gave me flowers, he gave me gifts, he kissed my hand.

He has those eyes that say I LOVE YOU.

Somehow, I never felt the same for him.

He is nice, but he is gray.

I am a rainbow.

Something is missing. I don’t doubt he is great person, but I don’t love him and I will never love him.

During these 3 years I didn’t find in him what I look for.

It’s not good for him, not fair.

We always get away of each other because of my coldness towards him, but he always comes back, because he blindly believes I am the one.

Last time, I assure him again that US  was impossible that we just could hang but nothing serious.

HE said it was ok, but it is not. He wants more.

The other day he told me he wants us to be in a serious relationship … he wants to be my boyfriend and then in the future to marry me.

I was abroad for 5 weeks. When I returned he was crazy to see me again which I responded: for god sake gimme some time, please.

This is other chapter that I must close.

ITs not fair for him.

HE needs to find his real love. I need to stop messing with his feelings.

sometimes its better to say bye ..

loneliness kills us, loneliness fools us

Yes, we all feel alone at least once in our life. Well, I tend to feel lonely very often.

When I was younger I used to think that at the age of 25 I would get married and that my life would change. Now I am almost 28 and finally I decided to get rid of that called boyfriend from my last 4 years that is just bad news. I mean, we don’t even live in the same city. Our relationship is a fairy tale. Why did I wait to much? I don’t know.

I hold it … hold it. thinking what we always think. Things will get better, he will change, he will improve. Now, always four years later he is the same … no job, no goals, but now a Masters Degree in History.

I spent so much time on him, so much money, so much dreams, so much energy.

I knew it, I knew I didn’t love him anymore but I couldn’t finish that relationship. I was used to it. I was used to have leftovers of what every human deservers. Leftovers of happiness, of love, of care. Not more.

I know I am a Queen and I deserved being treated as one.

I supported him like that time when I paid the Caribbean holidays and he replied saying.. I didn’t ask you to do it.

Well, you know what, IT´S OK!!!!!

All that time, money, energy are not lost. I know what I deserved and what I expect in a man.

I would not accept another idiot who get drunk with strangers in our getaway together. Another idiot who puked 3 times in our tent and who next day smiles thinking it was too funny. Another idiot who sent me alone at night to the bathroom. Another idiot who thinks is fun to jump into the river at night when he is drunk.

No way!!! I don’t need another kid. I need a man.

I don’t know how to finish this. I know finally we would never be together and that is because is my decision. He told me he sleeps with others and that he is fine with it. It didn’t even bother me. Its fine and I am fine.

I just need to have the balls to finish it. To set me free. I am free already.

He lately starts to have dreams with me …. he and I together as we once dreamt.

It is too late, I am not that girl who looked up to him.

I am sorry. No, I am not sorry. I must make myself happy not him or his family.

It’s over and it was over long time ago we were just to blind to see it.

Last year, even getting laid was a duty. It was so bad. I almost cried for this fact, being used … I am used.

I remember I thought I would never allow it again. I lost the desire for him. I lost everything it ever was.

I don’t want it again.  I just  hope he and I could be happy …  in the different paths that life has for us.

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!