Five minutes 

This quote of Benedetti makes me Think about how many times we dream Something that didn’t happen.

Before meeting Serge I thought we may fall in love and then all our lives would be chaotic in the search of finding out what we would need to do to be together.

But no. We didn’t fall in love.

I daydreamed something that wasn’t real. But isn’t it what a daydream is about?

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Fingers through my hair 

I don’t want to forget the night of 30th December. 

Serge and u were supposed to go a Spanish party.  The boyfriend of Alexandra is Spanish. She is an ex colleague of Serge. 

I didn’t feel like going very much but I was not going to say it.  So, we were resting in bed and decided not to go due some logistics issues as excuse. Well, next day we had to leave around 11 am.  

We didn’t go.  But it was getting late to get some food and drinks to celebrate.  It was around 7pm and we decide to go and explore around.  I was worried we wouldn’t find anything open but luckily we did.  

To be honest I wouldn’t have mind not to have something to celebrate new year  but I thought Serge wouldn’t be happy maybe also because he would think about me, right?

We did. We bought some stuff and sodas to take home. We walked a lot. But at the end we had food, wine and tequila.

We got wasted. 

But what I wanted to remember is that I was sitting and there was a mirror in front of me. He was behind me and started touching my hair… Your hair is so dark, he said.  

It made me feel beautiful. It was a way of saying so. I felt that way. 

I felt like he was opening himself to me. 

But I guess he ever really did.  

I stay with this moment.  He.. Playing with my hair. 

He and I sitting somewhere in the Netherlands. 

Nothing else happened that night. 

I we don’t remember when we fall asleep.

Let me go 

Let me go because I don’t love you anymore. 

Let me go because when I dream about getting married you don’t appear in the picture.

Let me go because I don’t see you as the father or my children. 

Let me go because we have enough. 

Let me go because I don’t want to wait until you grow up and become a serious adult. 

Let me go because when you broke my heart I couldn’t fix it. 

Let me go because you don’t love me as I want to be loved. 

Because there’s no romance. 

Because my love is over.

Because you don’t treat me right. 

Because you are not who I though you were.

Because I don’t have more tears for you. 

Because I don’t want you to waste your time.  

Because you can find someone who fits you… Because that’s not me.

 

I cried 

I don’t remember when was the last time I cried. I thought I would cry when Sergey left in the airport, I thought about stopping  him and said “come on, do a proper farewell with a hug and a long kiss” but I didn’t.  I left him leave. 

I saw he turned but I walked away, why should I stay there seeing him passing migration? 

Anyway, he and I had irresponsible and unprotected sex once. I guess it was in Prague but my mind tricks me  to think it was in Budapest. 

I came back home and January is gone as my period. During all January there is not a hint of where my period is. After around ten days I got a bit anxious and finally bought a pregnancy test. 

I was nervous but I handled it. I have been thinking about  my baby and how he would change my life forever. But the result was negative. I was disappointed. Sergey would be a great dad. I always felt  nice and secure next to him . And if we didn’t fall in love I think we would if we spend more time together. Maybe. But I doubt we would even meet again…

I cried  and I realized how much I want to be a mother. I told myself  someday I would have a baby and a loving husband. I hope so. 

I also noticed I  don’t have a friend to Share this important moment. 

So I can change  now that I know I’m not pregnant. I could do things I wouldn’t be able to do with a baby. 

Tho a baby is not an excuse to live and enjoy life. It is not my time now. 

Everytime I more sure that even if I don’t get married I would dare to be a mother.