Todo terminó .. Vie 8 dic 17

Lo debí saber el día en que lo vi por última vez en SF.

El nunca quiso o pudo volver a verte. .. para qué preguntar qué pasó …

Su último fin de semana aquí me dijo que su jefe le pidió que trabajara el domingo a lo que respondió que no podría porque iba a pasar el fin fuera de la ciudad conmigo y otros amigos ..

Entonces, el sábado le dije que viniera de verdad a mi ciudad a visitarme … a lo que me respondió que estaba en Panamá ….que sólo yo en el mundo sabía dónde estaba.

Entonces, ¿qué hacía en Panamá? Lo que pienso es que viajo express porque tiene una amante ahí … ¿sentí celos? No creo .. pero yo quería pasar tiempo con él …

Pero ahora no importa, ni si quiera voy a ponerme a pensar en qué hacía en Panamá.

Deje de escribirle por casi una semana ….me escribió el viernes reclamándome por no haberle escrito en tanto tiempo .. que si eso era amistad … jaja!!!! Antes me dijo que yo era su best friends, GREAT!

Unos días antes le había pedido un consejo porque me gustaba un chico del gym , pero me dije que era tímida para hablarle .. en un mensaje de voz me dijo:

Girl, listen to me, Why are you so insecure? Why? Come on, you are beautiful, you speak English, you are moving to CA, you worked at HW a multinational fucking company, you have done a lot of things, come on. Why are you so insecure? Just say Hi, how are you.. what are u doing, oh this exercise is nice ..what else you do are from here..whatever, come oooon .. you are Samantha!!! You are such a fun person, you are nice and hot … I know that very well, haha, I can tell, Dont be so insecure. Also you are already 30. You are a diva, a diva girl, don’t play like a 21yo, Im shy and lala. Make a step a head, they are gonna like you sure,  I can tell you my friend, you have nothing to lose, you are so great .

Así que quizás es hora de escuchar su consejo… si me lo dijo un brasileño de sueño …debo ser todo lo que el dice.

Así mismo, es hora de dejarlo ir… sólo verlo como un amigo …creo que el me estima, lo siento por la forma en que me abrazó cuando nos vimos.

Además me dijo que si podía visitarme en CA … haha





o que você faz comigo?

I decided the Brazilians guys were over. I decided to move on. I even told Josef about them. I don’t expect to see Josef anymore, so why not? What we had is over.Plus, I don’t want him to have any illusion about me.

So, why does it bother me when he does not write me? Maybe, it hits my ego, but it is the natural way of things to finish. We are not a couple anymore.

So, Fabs came back and he just told me on whatsapp after days without writing me anything at all. Maybe he didn’t write me because I saw the picture of he with his little daughter, so I assume he assumes (lol) now I know he is married. Perhaps he thinks I have a problem with this …do I? No, I don’t have it at all. In fact, I always knew he was married, I saw his rings a couple of times. I was just pretending I didn’t know to calm down my guilt.

Guilt? Why should I be guilty? I can’t go around asking to all the men I met .. are you married?  It is his sin, not mine. Or at least, I want to think like that.

People can get lonely. We were lonely. To be honest, he is kinda boring I am always the one who talks and tells funny stories. But I find him very attractive and… I don’t know anyone else who I want to sleep with now.

I know this relation can’t go anywhere.. and that is pretty fine for me.

I was thinking that all last year was amazing, because I was living in other city,  enough far to allow me to live life the way I wanted. Thinking seriously, I brought home 4 guys to my house …  Ed which was a total lame in bed,  Sam, who didn’t know that inviting someone over to watch Netflix means to get laid (that wasn’t my intentions to him), my coworker who just went to my home to have a nap… and Fab ..who is fabulous.

I dislike living back here. I need to tell where I am going… I am not free as before, and certainly I can not bring someone home. Also, moving here is more difficult and expensive. Such stories could not have passed in other city than in Q.  I love Q.

I won’t write him anymore. I am not sure of what I should do. Well, I am under recovery after a surgery I had last Tuesday and I still not sure where the stitches can be removed. Sometimes, when I do some movements, I feel as if they could ¨break¨ and that is certainly something I want to avoid. I think the Canada plan would delay to 2018, since I want to be totally sure of my recovery. A week has passed and I still feel them numb… I hope it will end soon.

Fab was talking to me long .. because he had questions about he skydiving  .. I wonder if that is just the reason … or if he wants to see me too. Well, I am sure he wants to meet, if not why he told me he is back …as Panda said its surely not to go to the library to read.

Thats fine for me … I don’t want him for something serious.






Have you ever fucked a person and be proud of yourself?

I remember that night, he was sitting on my chair looking like a Roman God …shirtless .. probably totally nude.

the First time I saw him was in the laboratory .. I opened to door for him and a Chinese guy … He thanked me for bothering (I was in a training in the lab). I didn’t bother me at all, since he was a tall, tanned, handsome guy.

I was bothered for the others but not by him.

I used to see him during lunch time. He arrived always late, so sometimes he had problems to find a table. I used to joke to my colleagues that I would say ¨Hey, there´s a seat here¨. But I noticed he always ate lunch with a friend of him, another Brazilian.

How did I know he was Brazilian? I have no idea ..  but I knew it.

He was a roommate of one of my friends, so one day they headed to my place in the office and asked me if I have a cup since the office ran out of cups lol. I didn’t have any, so next thing I did when I get home it was to put an extra cup (xícara) in my bag to bring to the office (just in case).

I remember other day I met him in the cafeteria … but I only said something as hello …and he did the same and smile. I didn’t know what to say, so we continue doing coffee.

So, one day, I recieved an email related to some dorms and he was in the loop.  I have his full name now and his work ID number. What did I do? … some days later I remember that email and took his ID and wrote it in the messenger. There he was, I was shy but WTF I just messaged him.  Hello!!!  -Hello, he replied. I asked him if he knew who I was .. he said: -Sure, the cups manager.

What did I write him? What did it expect from it? I am surely never imagined I would finish in bed with him.  I just want to get to know him.

Edward (one friend in common) told me The Brazilian used to walk around the house shirtless, and that he was married and have a daughter. He also sent me an screenshot, where I could see the Brazilian send a pic of him and Eddie said:  It looks so delicious.  Eddie made it sound sexual.  I didn’t think about this until days and days later. He I was already slept with The Brazilian, later I asked to myself …Did Eddie sleep with him too? That would have been very awkward, no?

He always complained about the meals in the canteen so I offered to go to eat outside on Friday.  We met and he said, -so, just the two of us? .

– Yes, is that a problem?

– Not at all

He said my car was nice and  then I drove. He help me with the directions, he is more observant that I am. We went to a nice German place and had a nice time. I learnt ´cheers´ in Portuguese was Saude.

I think that day he asked for my phone, or maybe some days before. That Friday night I went to the gym and he wrote me? Are you here? I said that I was and then we agreed to go out that night.

That was the night when he asked me- Why don’t you kiss me? So I did. .. That night I said  we couldn’t go to my place (to sleep together, obviously) because it was a mess but I told  him that tomorrow we could go.

He is so serious … next day I tried to  invite him to eat .. I think my choice of place wasn’t the best … I tried to pay but he said he didn’t like girls to pay. So, I never tried to paid again, haha.  Later we went to a bar (the same bar When I first dated the first Brazilian, haha) the drinks weren’t to good but we were kinda drunk to go to my place and have sex.

I remember that he wanted to try my drinks from my lips, but he always wanted me to do the first move … I don’t know why … he gave me hints (that I never caught) like let me try it… haha

I had to take the pill of the next day, in less than a month. I know, such irresponsible  people we were.  But, I never thought this would end in being lovers.

Once he tried to stop it, he just said , lets be normal friends, no sex. We went to the cinema that day. I got the tickets online and he offered to pay, I said no need. At the end he took me to my car, closed the door and ran away … probably he didn’t want to fall in my charm.

Next time we went to a bar, I didn’t see him and kept walking, I remember how he told me to sit by his side to watch the concert. He grabbed me and kissed me .. finally. I think that was the first time he took the initiative.

He left …so soon after he came back …

Sometimes I was wondering what would he be doing in Panama. Maybe he had already a lover over there. But there is no point of thinking that. To be honest, I think I would have fucked other of the Brazilians in the office … it is not as we have a commitment.

Some days later, he added a picture in WhatsApp with his daughter .. how i know the beautiful kid was his? Because they looked so much alike, hahaha! So, Eddie was not lying, he is married and have a children. Maybe he is divorced?  Maybe.

I never asked him and he never said anything. He put off his ring when we went out. I saw it in his finger a couple of times in the office.

I supposed he will come back, I am not sure if we would meet… Hopefully … but then I would want to sleep with him again … even if I am not sure if he gave me something since we always have unprotected sex.  Ok, not always, last time he finally got a camizinha (condom).

Friday 21th Saturday 22th July, 2017 

He left yesterday, on Saturday 22th July. He left my house around 05:30 am, I was waiting for his taxi to arrive. It was cold, he put my jacket hat on me. When the taxi arrived I said stupid things, like see you soon, or maybe never… I think words were not necessary.  
After being in the Irish pub he said he would go with home to make sure I was safe. I was not sure if we would sleep together again. He didn’t let me drink this night.  
We arrived home. I literally told him “estou com vontade de você”. I wanted him. I forgot my sickness and I started kissing him. I took off my shirt. He wanted it too. 
So, this was your plan since the beginning? He said. I replied I thought we would only have dinner. You are dangerous he added. I know why he told me dangerous many things. He could not help himself, he wanted me. That’s why he ran away from me that day of the movies. He likes me, I think he likes me very much. 
We made love on that Saturday early morning. The first time we were both sober. We didn’t have condoms. He promise he would be careful to not cum inside me again. 
Before I thought I was just a sexual object for him, a fun, there he just used me. But this night he was different with me, that’s why I said we made love. He kissed me a lot, he kissed my body, and was very nice with me. There was a kind of tenderness between us. 
He had to stop around three times in order to not finish. He counted and even thought about his panda boss. He told me to stop doing a thing that drove him crazy (I didn’t know it was working). 
That night was special for me. At the end I was caressing his face. 
I got closer to him. He is not very open to people, but this night we got closer. I feel “loved” and sex was good, hehe. 
I just hope there’s no a baby asconsequence a of such great night 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Thursday 20th July 2017

On Wednesday I decided to avoid gym, I had taken the postday pills on Monday and I was feeling weak after a new session of kickboxing with the new trainer. 
I arrived early at home to find bound Hector was not longer living in the house. I suppose it was OK since he had been a pain in the bass during the last couple of days. This was the end of my favorite roomies. 
I put my shorts on but I probably left my room twice when I went to wash my bandage for kickboxing. Probably, it was d there when I got sick. I was doing so stuff to finish a report and suddenly at night I feel pain in my throat. I thought with sleep and tea all would be fine next day. 
On Thursday, Fabs asked me if I could grab him anything to eat on the go, of course I would, I told him I would stop at Starbucks and I got coffee and a sandwich for him. Damn, I forgot my Starbucks card that day and I still need to get it back.
I arrived to my office and realized I forgot my computer at home, I decided to left. I visited the doctor and got some injections 😖💉
I went home and sleep a bit in the noon. After, he wrote me to check how I was since he didn’t see me during lunch. I took my car to wash and he told me that he was leaving on Saturday, as it was planned since the beginning. I was shocked, so fast. I thought we would have more time to spend together, but thanks to Eduardo I realized we didn’t. 
Fabs told me on the company’s chat but I didn’t see it because I was sleeping. I felt a bit sad and empty. 
I had said to Fabs that we should go to take coffee again in that Irish place he liked (excuse for me). He said it was probably going to rain and that I should not leave my house. I said I was feeling better since I just wanted to spend time with him.  
I told him we could get some good to be delivered at home and I did order some Argentinian food that arrived fast at home. He brought a coke.
As usually, there was no a movie to watch. I remember once he kissed me in the face, as I have Faringitis it was not a good idea to kiss and I thought we would not spend another night together due my sickness. 
I asked him about his ideal job and he said it would be to have his own company of software development.. But to make a difference, to create something it would make an impact in the life of others. He is great. I admire him. 
He left around 1 am, he came to my home to check how I was. He said I looked OK. He asked me in the afternoon, how many days you have left? When I told him I went to the doctor. 
When he told me he would come I felt happy, I was jumping of happiness and I got tired. I just like to spend time with him.
Taxi came and we kissed on the lips. I thought maybe I would not see him again. Or maybe yes, on Friday in the office.  

He was joking me how Dr hagrid would be so happy on Friday to inject me and see my ass jaja. Because Fabs is a PM and he doesn’t know how to do it. 

Friday 7th July, 2017

That Friday I invited a lot of people to the gym to go clubbing, why? Because I want to go out with ¨The Brazilian, Fabs who is my fav”.

The night started with me arriving rushing to my house. Taking out my Net stockings that I had just bought for this night. I had a wine color dress and some booties. I think I was looking very nice, but yeah, I am a bit chubby.

I arrived late to meet Peter and he and I went to a nice brewery. They had delicious craft beer. Gaby arrived later and around 10:30 we moved to the club.

Fabs hadn’t  arrived, he arrived around midnight and I was already drunk.

I remember texting him, hurry up, since the most time it passes the more difficult is for me to unblock my phone. Finally, he arrived, gosh, he is hot.

Cari and Gabi told me he was very fine… a gay blondie, Paco, also said..he hated me for being eating such a guy.

I remember we were dancing, reggeaton and hip hop, I also, remember (kinda) that I was sitting in the club. Later, I found out I actually fell asleep twice that night.

I remember going towards Fabs and he was just trying to calm me down saying ¨despacito¨to me, haha.  Later, he told me it was because I was like crazy, and spilled his drink 4 times.

Gaby was making out with a teenager that was next to us. Later, she escaped without paying her part of the bill, also she took Peter´s money, because he left early, more less at the time that Fabs arrived.  Cari and Gaby said because he is into me, and well, I was very busy with Fabs, of course.

I tried to pay my part of the bill. That night we drank Buchanan´s. But, this gentleman of course didn’t let me pay. Next time in the gym, Cari told me, Fabs was very nice all night with me, taking care I didn’t fall, just standing in front of me watching me while I was sleeping in the club, jaja, paying my bill and taking me home.

We came home, and yes, again had irresponsible intercorse.  I don’t remember much, He finished on my back and sent me to take a shower. I did, left the bathroom with a towel on and lay in bed. He went to the bathroom … 

Thats all I remember. I woke up next day alone in my bed. He had left, as he did the Friday before.

I was feeling a bit sad .. nostalgic or empty …

But I didn’t have much time to be sad. Next I had to drive around 25 mins to check a house I wanted to buy. My mom came also to checked, at the end she got mad because the sellers want me to sign some documents but still it was not for sure that I would get my house, so why to sign?

Anyway, my mom was right when things are for you …they simply are, and it seems that house was not for me. It was too far away from the center, probably not a Smart decision.

I had told Fabs that we could do a lot of things on Saturday and Sunday.

But he barely wrote me during that weekend… I didn’t want to bother him. He knew the plans I had and if he didn’t say a Word.. it was obvious his answer.

I slept in the afternoon, maybe to see the time pass, trying to avoid thinking he didn’t write to me.

And well, yes, I was waiting for he to write to me ….but I didn’t want to bother him.

Otra vez hay un brasileño en mi vida

Es muy guapo, es alto tiene el cuerpo tonificado y una actitud que lo hace verse como un campeón.

La primera vez que lo vi fue cuando yo estaba en el laboratorio. El acababa de llegar y su jefe le estaba mostrando la oficina, yo le abrí la puerta y me di cuenta que era muy guapo, él llevaba puesto un saco, ese saco que lo hace ver tan atractivo.

Yo lo veía a veces en el comedor pero nunca pensé que él y yo tendríamos algo. 

Eduardo resultó ser roomie del brasileño, qué coincidencia. Creo, por eso, él sabía quién era yo. Porque un día Eduardo y él fueron a mi lugar a pedirme un vaso pero yo no tenía.

Otro día me lo encontré en la cafetería, pero como ya saben nunca sé qué decir, así que nuestra conversación fue Hola, qué tal, adiós.

Un poco después, me encontré un correo que él había mandado y por casualidad llegó hacia mí y decidí hablarle y lo hice. Escribí su nombre, abrí la ventana del chat y le dije Hola. Él me contestó Hola Dani. Yo estaba un poco nerviosa porque no sabía qué él iba a pensar de una chica loca y desconocida escribiéndole. Pero él fue muy amable, hablamos un poco todo, normal. Le comenté que yo estaba aprendiendo portugués.

Unos días después él me dijo Agrégame a WhatsApp y entonces ya dije okay a él le agradó, obviamente.

Entonces un viernes me preguntó ¿estás aquí o te fuiste a tu ciudad? y le conteste estoy aquí vamos a tomarnos algo y fuimos a un bar al que antes iba con mis amigos, que tiene un nombre en alemán.

La noche Fue increíble tomamos whisky con cerveza, platicamos mucho y yo creo al final de la noche yo le comenté algo como eres muy guapo y él me preguntó Entonces por qué no me besas Y pues lo besé muchas veces y después le pregunté qué vas a hacer mañana y me contestó depende de donde duerma hoy.

Entonces coma era obvio que él me estaba dando entrada y eso me pareció muy bien pero mi cuarto estaba hecho un desorden. Así que entre mi borrachera lo único que le dije fue Bueno mañana te invito a mi casa porque hoy es un desorden Y entonces nos fuimos a nuestra casa o sea cada quien la suya.

El sábado le dije Vamos a comer algo yo te invito fuimos a un restaurante de comida mexicana y creo que no nos gustó mucho el lugar, era diferente, era un poco pequeño y oscuro. Comimos estuvo regular, estuvo bien y después yo intenté pagar la cuenta a lo que él dijo “No me gusta esto, no me gusta que las chicas paguen”. Entonces, yo guardé mi cartera y nunca más la volví a sacar ja ja

Después fuimos a un bar curiosamente al mismo bar al que fui la primera vez con el primer brasileño pero ahora iba con otro brasileño que es totalmente diferente al primero. El primero era güero y este es un Morocho, la verdad es más guapo el Morocho pero el güero tiene una actitud increíble. Así que yo creo que todo es actitud.

Estábamos en el bar hasta que cerraron y era hora de irnos a mi casa por lo que dije Okay vamos a mi casa. Vinimos a mi casa. Tuvimos sexo, sexo sin protección y me acuerdo de él sentado en mi silla desnudo y yo pensando “No puedo creerlo”. Él se veía como un dios griego sentado en mi silla desnudo y bueno pasó lo que tenía que pasar, de hecho pasó lo que no tenía que pasar. Él terminó dentro de mí pero Okay existe la pastilla del día siguiente. Se fue a su casa, pidió un Uber, me puse unos shorts y lo acompañé a la puerta y él se fue

El domingo fui al gym y él me preguntó si quería ir al centro comercial, al que está al norte y yo claro que le dije sí, sí. Después me puse a pensar que porque tenía que hacer lo que él decía. Tal vez porque yo quería pasar tiempo con él sin importar Cómo. Pero bueno fuimos al centro comercial, comimos hamburguesas. Él me había comprado la pastilla del día siguiente pero yo también la había comprado. Supongo que fue “tierno” de su parte comprarla también. Caminamos, tomamos café en Starbucks y como no había mucho que hacer me dijo que viniéramos a mi casa para recoger su reloj. Vinimos a mi casa y volvimos a tener sexo otra vez sin protección Pero esta vez no terminó creo porque lo detuve para ponerse un condón pero ya después no pasó nada. La película estaba en la pantalla pero nadie la veía, después dieron las diez y se tenía que ir, es tarde me dijo y se fue.

Se me olvidó decir que la primera vez que salimos fue el viernes a la hora de la comida que fuimos a una cafetería alemana, entonces él se sorprendió “Sólo vamos tú y yo“ y le dije sí Y él me invitó y fue una comida muy linda.

Ese día el estaba hablando por teléfono, quizás con su mujer, decía algo como que estaba trabajando y por eso no pudo contestar, creo él me dijo algo de unas deudas, pero no recuerdo mucho.