I don’t want to think about you 

I got my period, so I suppose I’m not pregnant.

I thought about the possibilities. What would I have done if I was pregnant?

I think I would have had the baby, even with his dad living in Brazil. I would just have asked him to give him  his surname.

So, I could tell my son “your dad is Brazilian, syou will be a soccer player.” Hehe 

Yesterday iin the restaurant I was having lunch I saw two little boys in the table next to mine. I imagined how my child would and how I could be with him in the same restaurant some months later. 

I would like to have a baby boy..But I don’t think Fab and I would be together not even for a child.

But all these ideas are stupid. I’m not pregnant and maybe I  would ever meet again Fab. 

I have been thinking a lot  about  him lately. I should stop it. 

I don’t want to think about you. 

I’m not in love with him.  I don’t miss him. But I bet he would be a good dad and he definitely would provide a good DNA for a child.

No matter what I would get a pregnancy test, just in case. Second time in a year, way to go … 

Now go away of my thoughts…

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I cried 

I don’t remember when was the last time I cried. I thought I would cry when Sergey left in the airport, I thought about stopping  him and said “come on, do a proper farewell with a hug and a long kiss” but I didn’t.  I left him leave. 

I saw he turned but I walked away, why should I stay there seeing him passing migration? 

Anyway, he and I had irresponsible and unprotected sex once. I guess it was in Prague but my mind tricks me  to think it was in Budapest. 

I came back home and January is gone as my period. During all January there is not a hint of where my period is. After around ten days I got a bit anxious and finally bought a pregnancy test. 

I was nervous but I handled it. I have been thinking about  my baby and how he would change my life forever. But the result was negative. I was disappointed. Sergey would be a great dad. I always felt  nice and secure next to him . And if we didn’t fall in love I think we would if we spend more time together. Maybe. But I doubt we would even meet again…

I cried  and I realized how much I want to be a mother. I told myself  someday I would have a baby and a loving husband. I hope so. 

I also noticed I  don’t have a friend to Share this important moment. 

So I can change  now that I know I’m not pregnant. I could do things I wouldn’t be able to do with a baby. 

Tho a baby is not an excuse to live and enjoy life. It is not my time now. 

Everytime I more sure that even if I don’t get married I would dare to be a mother.  

TIME TO SAY GOODBYE

Jos  talked to me,  he said that  we should start acting as single since we are both in different countries.  I said he was right.

Maybe he had an urge to get laid with that girl from his college,  maybe he is just tired.

I agreed.

He deserves  to be happy and I would like him to spend his bday being loved,  hugged,  kissed,  even if it’s by other girl.

There is no need to run for  happiness. 

….
At job,  Charly and I will quit next month. He wants to go first but I am worried that it would look suspicious  if I quit some days later…

Rosa told me I was a key member…  Key member that haven’t got a rise since July 2013 and that works,  works and works….

It need to be done.  I don’t wanna keep all the workload without Charlie and my flight to Portugal is ready.

dream 2

I dreamt I was with  a fortune teller and that she told me my future was in the UK, but that I shouldn’t believe I could make it on my own, like getting a job wouldn´t be easy, but that I have the support of my mom and that I should be nice with her, controlling my madness.