Poem he showed me

Compañera 
usted sabe 
puede contar 
conmigo 
no hasta dos 
o hasta diez 
sino contar 
conmigo 

si alguna vez 
advierte 
que la miro a los ojos 
y una veta de amor 
reconoce en los míos 
no alerte sus fusiles 
ni piense qué delirio 
a pesar de la veta 
o tal vez porque existe 
usted puede contar 
conmigo 

si otras veces 
me encuentra 
huraño sin motivo 
no piense qué flojera 
igual puede contar 
conmigo 

pero hagamos un trato 
yo quisiera contar 
con usted 

es tan lindo 
saber que usted existe 
uno se siente vivo 
y cuando digo esto 
quiero decir contar 
aunque sea hasta dos 
aunque sea hasta cinco 
no ya para que acuda 
presurosa en mi auxilio 
sino para saber 
a ciencia cierta 
que usted sabe que puede 
contar conmigo.

M.  Benedetti

Advertisements

dreams

There are many things happening… there is nothing happening.

I miss writing but somehow I dont do it often anymore.

Yesterday, I went to a theatre to see a play of Chejov .. Uncle Vania. In Russia they call Ivans Vania. Sounds funny for a spanish speaker, because for us Vania is a girls name.

Anyway, I went with Kings, he is always there for anything I want to do and I am very mean to him sometimes, I dont know why. We went, it was dark, we didnt know the way but we ended up in a underground theatre in which the ticket window was attended by and old man that reminded me of Tostoy. Yes, it was a very bizzarre and unique night.

The play started. Kings and I were closed and somehow I felt nice.

I felt those kind of butterflies with his touch. We spent a nice time.

After the play, we walked to the metro station. I came back home to finish my book of Milan Kundera … 

yes, that book that my ex turkish lover used to talk about. I finished it.

I slept, after drinking those pills that will make me lose weight, and that the only thing that they seems to do is to make me scared of pooing my pants. 

I dreamt … I dreamt… I was playing with the little baby girl of my friend Dada. The creature is not even a one year-old, but I was with her (Even if she is in Istanbul). I was speaking to the baby in Spanish and somehow the baby knew some spanish words … it was very nice the time with the baby girl.

Then I was in my house, worried because I was not going to show up for a Law exam that I needed to past in order to graduate from College … then in the parking lot or somewhere outside my flat I saw him … it was Todd … but it wasnt him anymore.  This man was blond, and I think this man looks a bit like an Asian guy and was very tall.

But I knew it was Todd, I ran to stop him for leaving… and when then, face to face…

and yes, that all, he was still keeping an eye on me ..

I woke up happy …

secret everywhere

we all have secrets, and since you have gone I have behave well, but I cant confess I needed some fun.

Nope, I didnt shag any one.

I just went to beer factory and after 3 litres of beer made out with a ¨friend¨ ..it was weird since he is a virgin and you can notice it even in the kisses, after that night, he apologized with me and we talk less now. ITs a shance since he is a nice guy, but OK, since I dont want anything serious with him.

I came back to past and met K… but he is, I dont know, simply not for me, I hope he can get a girlfriend and get over me. I cant blame him for beign so  in love, but come one after so much time that I didnt even speak to him, how come he is still in love?? weird guy… 

the new guy at work, its someone I could fall in love with, but we are coworkers and my love is coming back to town, so all will be ok.

ohh Rock…well nothing to say about that ass… I never saw him again …and thats ok.

After all, I think my Josef is the one …we will see it. 

fast update

many things have happened ..

I discovered it really sucks not to know what happened in your life in the past…

I meant, since I started writing my first blog I saw it was really cool being able to read what you were feeling-facing-living in some period of your life.

I will try to write a fast sumary.

Rodrigo  – Never saw it again… I dont chat to him anymore, tho I must confess I felt very bad last week the stress at work, the flowers that kikiri boo said to me and work and some mistake I did at work… made me feel very nervous.. I had a panic attack. So, I went to eat to the restaurant Eat-Eat and I feel he could be there, I felt he could appear from nowhere and I feel catch that made me feel even worst that evening.

I wanted to cry ..to go home. I went to the bathroom and put some water on my face. I was nervous because I had to drive back home and I still dont know the way. I dont know why I am so absent-minded.

I also dont drive so well, yet, which really sucks, but OK I think all is a matter of practice. I have had 2 little accidents at home while parking.. dammit. My mother made me feel bad andnervous, instead encourage me to drive, she makes me feel as piece of shit.

But ok, I must still be brave, coz I need to drive … I cant live in buses and metro forever …

Work, pfff, I wanted to quit a couple of times. I have been doing mistake and I hold my responsability but the local office guys …men, they are such bastards and have a bad attitude towards me.. anyway they need to add more fiber to their diet.

It´s ok, I can face it..

Love, Josef is still in Europe.

I still kinda chasing Fergie, thing, I should stop doing. Some months ago we went to beer factory, had some liters of beer after the office … we were a bit typsi, trying to get the way out of the Mall…we crashed into each other …finshed being face to face and we kissed …. it was very sweet.

I kissed in his car also during the red lights … I wont lie,  I did enjoy it.

WE kissed while walking in the parking lot, but I do must confess the kisses were short, inocent … not much tongue. After that night everything changed, he avoides me now and he even said to me forgive me for last night.. I shouldnt.

I got a bit mad, how he dares!!!?? He was eager to do it, I could feel it, I could see it in his eyes during all the time we were on that table.

Anyway, it is ok.  I dont want him as a formal boyfriend.. but I do enjoy his company and its not nice he kind of ignores me.

I will start ignore him 😀 .. tho, I do like him as friend.

Other engineer …. Kings…he is still in love with me, he went to eat quesadillas once, we made out, but come on it was a friendly thing, he shoudnt have thought we would go be in a relationship …  we barely talk and see each other, he is a good boy after all.

Kikiri boo, dammit, he will never give up…seems so, but he is totally stuck in the Friend Zone,  he is very nice but I am not into shagging him lol, not even into making out with him… I am sorry .. maybe he could start losing weight  😀

Fer  2 …never saw him after the Xmas party at work … ok, I lie ..I did see him once again in my office, he greeted me but mothing more. Maybe I should have acted, or maybe he wasnt into me seems I finished in the xmas party dancing with tac engineers and Fergie (I think they dislike each other).

New Fer, I met him during a concert on Valentine’s day, I saw him, tall and handsome. I approached to him and we were dancing and kissing aaaaallll night. At the end, I felt kinda bad since I didnt even know him name..  he got my phone and called me next week. We met again, he looked so …. poorly dressed .. well, he is still a student …but still, he didnt need a tailor made suit, but he looked like he didnt care about his looks, which decrease his attractiveness (Even thought, he is veeeery tall, has gorgeous eyes and a  nice tan), pluuus, he is also a student ..at his 24 years … WTF! No doubt, he has not a penny. Sorry, but at my age I do chase other kind of men … at least with a job.

Thats all about men ..

ohhh, at the office I liked one boy Alex but it turns out that he is married…and Viktor …he seems into me but maybe he is just polite, anyway he told me I was very pretty and likeable.  That makes me feel well.

I do think I am pretty, tho I feel kinda fat now …but the fact is that I dont do anything about it .

I excused behind my knee pain, but luckily my legs are much better.

So, lets make a plan for the future, exercise, rock at work, get some boys and some fun.

Also, I do have a new computer and a tablet… tho, I should have bought the slimmest laptop and a smaller tablet  😛 

I’ve been thinking

He is hunting me.

I don’t know where he is.

I don’t know if I will ever see him again.

Suddenly he was in my mind again.

I saw him just two days in my life. He is a kung fu teacher assistant, black belt, in his early 30’s.

I remember his hair, his face, his beard. I adore men with beard.

He is the prototype of the men I would like as boyfriend.

He seems satisfied with his life. He is handsome, tall, in shape, probably a veggie.

Sadly. He is married with another black belt.

Maybe I should join to the lessons to meet some guys.

I’m 25 and my life is as boring as when I was younger.

I need some fun.

I’m tired of waiting for a man that is in other country.

I would like a new boyfriend who lives here and if its possible in my same neighbourhood.

I would like to enjoy this part of my life when I am single and have a good income.

And the one who left … well he is still in school, that’s why he left, he will be there one year more.

He has no job, no income.and I’m afraid he has no ambition in life.

I am kinda worried with him I won’t have a prosperous future.

Maybe I will with my children live with his parents having a miserable life.

I don’t know what I should do.

Right now. I just think of Mr. Right. Maybe he will appear someday.

Should I look for him?

it has been more than 3 years ago

It has been more than 3 years ago, 

but I still have yahoo messenger installed of my computer…. 

I wanted to do it before like I did maybe more than a year ago..

I did it … 

I clicked on his email and had a little battle to discovered how to read where the conversations are saved.

I found it.

It was Christmas 2009, we met in October and we were going to see again in January, but things where different that in November. I never knew what happened and why he changed suddenly.maybe it was for his therapist or maybe because of his trip to India with his ex-girlfriend.

Now years ago I really enjoy reading our last conversations and I even think that those were our best times. I really enjoyed it the frist part of our ¨relantionship¨ of less than 4 months.

I remember waking up in the middle of the night and say ¨T… I hate this country¨ and he sent me back to sleep as the sleep terrorist I was.

He asked me to be a tour terrorist and bugging the tour guy all the trip I was going to make for New Year.

I loved how he talked about himself in third person. 

I loved our sense of fun, our jokes. 

I loved his gummy-bear vitamins.

Even my English improved with him. 

I loved his nerdy silliness.

I loved how we teased each other.

but I don’t love how he disappeared from my life. 

I guess I never loved but I got a bit obsessed and hurt after I realized he just used me. 

I used to think If I ever find him again (which will be a bit difficult because we live in different countries) I would hid even under the table in order to not see him. Now, that so many years have passed I think I would be ready to seat and talk to him. He probably married.

When I met Josef. I felt I could finally talk again to T and said, look, I am happy now too with a boyfriend from a country I used to hate. But, I would still be ashamed to tell him that my dream didn’t come true yet… I am still here.