Because he never chose me

I want to stop thinking about you.

I will put you away from my life.

I thought for many years you didn´t mean anything for me.

But here I am, Croatia played and you came to my mind.

You probably will marry soon and me ..I am here lonelier than ever, maybe that is what hurts me .. thats there´s no one by my side.

That you won and I lost.




here we are…

many things have changed … nothing changed….

I am still here, in the same room, with the same people and … yet alone.

Josef left 2 or 3 weeks ago, I cant even remember exactly the date. I thought I would be devastated, I was not.
We spent almost 3 months together, we fought less, we had a better time but I noticed what I noticed last year…. something was missed … I still care about him, love him … but not the same love I felt the first times we met.

He screw it up. I screw it up and suddenly I was not anymore that girl …that girl in love with that gorgeous guy. I did love him like I never loved before, but something happened at the end … his mistakes, my mistakes … changed me.

I dont know if he still feel the same way about me …he says he does, but he confessed he knows I dont love him anymore. I do love him, but not as before, not as he deserves.

again, I was thinking in other things, in the stupid Rock for example, but finally I deleted him from my skype and it means he is deleted from my life too. He was again rude with me … me greeting him and he just trying to get rid of me…why it did take me so long to realize HE WAS NOT INTO ME???? I was so stupid.

I mean I know I must go after what I want but if he doesn’t react, then he is a dumb ass or not into me …and both are perfectly fine … I can move on, need to move on.

So, men, men, men, it is always about men …about love.

So far, Rock is gone, Josef is going to his homeland and I dont know when I will meet him again.
During his time here, he got wasted and puked 3 times in our tent, yes, the tent where we were in… I was super worried taking care of him, trying to figure out how to avoid him to go to swim in the river at night being totally drunk.

And yes, trying to prevent he would die on his own vomit. That day I got mad, no, no, I got disappointed once again, we were in a trip, I supposed men shouldn’t get wasted when they are alone with their beloved one… but not Josef, for him was ok, to hang with new boys and girl he just met and get devastated, that is his idea of fun … btw, he is 25, not 16.

So, he got wasted and then his beloved girlfriend had to take care of him. I am not again getting drunk, but I get there is a time and moment for everything in life. He cant get drunk with his friends and trying to swim in a dangerous river if he can … but please, do it in your country … I dont want you to die here I said.

ok, I decided I dont need to take care of a baby … point less for our Josef.

It was dark, and he let me go alone to find the bathroom .. I could have fall, being robbed, kidnaped, etc. I want a man who would escort me during a dangerous night… not a knight who will let me go on my own. Other point less Mr.

so… he is not the one, I can see it now ….

We have another character for the past…yes, E. Kin. who seems to be in love with me since ever and forever … Jesus, after 2 years we met because he told me he was sick, so I was worried he would die or something. At the end he said nothing but that he would like to be my boyfriend …what the hell?

how could I tell him that I am in fact interesting in one of his coworkers??

Life is complicated …

right now, I am looking forward to quit at the end of this year …. but I need to figure out what to do next ….

Finally writing more

Why so?

Because I’m uncomfty in the bus. There’s no enough space for my long legs, neither enough life to read my book.

So I decided to write a little.

I decides I would drive from now on to my work. Tho, I dont know the way. I think now what stops me is that.

Fear has been overcome for the horrible long commutings.

For example, yesterday the bus broke down and left us in the middle of nothing. I had to take other bus, no seats available, of course. And then then take other bus … Pfff.

It was so hot.
I need to drive


The other day I had a dream about Josef and some girl he met in my country that I don’t like that much in my dream it was like, maybe they were cheating on me.

Nothing was clear but I was very mad about it…. And I threw him out of my house.

But also I dreamt about the man I met in the green bus. Rodrigo, I dont know why he obssess me that much if I just saw him that day in the bus and other in the street.  In my dream he saw a photo of me and a little girl and he thought I was a good with kids and since he has a little boy he decided it was good to hang with me.

I was asking him why? Why you wanna meet me now?

I woke up.

Why did I get so obsessed?

I don’t know

Now that I remember, he kinda reminds me a boy I met years ago in my teaching classes, Daniel.

I was kinda into him and we celebrate my 23 birthday #goodtimes

Now he lives in another city but he says I can go anytime.  Maybe I should? Sounds like fun. After all, spring is here. Sounds like trouble!

I never saw him again

No, I never saw him again.

It was just that day in the bus.

I know where he works, that he plays soccer and the guitar. That he has a son. I know his phone number.

Some days ago I went for a meeting in his company. I told him. All the time I was there he said oh come to the fifth floor to greet me.

Time ran. He left by the time I was free of the meeting. He surely was not interested in meeting me.

Other day I went again near his office, he claimed to be in a meeting and that he couldn’t go down to meet me.

Why? Why I keep doing this?

I just saw it once, but my mind/heart started dreaming and planning. I would have leave it all….because of him and the idea that I had of him.

Maybe I should leave it all behind, not for him but for me.


I woke up after I was dreaming about him ..


why he doesnt go away from my mind?


in my dream, I was in a public bathroom and then I met him, what the hell?


Maybe I must flush him from my life.



I wont talk to him again … I promise!

wrong bus

I guess I got to meet him the 2th of September. I got extremely excited. AS usual I thought …oh he could be the one. 

The one….

next day after meeting him in a bus I arrived to my work place and had a email from him. I was more than happy. 

We started talking on Skype and as my friends told me I shouldn’t invite him out, he must be the one who needs to show interest.

Days passed and passed …

He even saved my phone number and whatsapp me once. Later, he barely reply to my messages. 

Time passed and he never invited me out or made any move to see us again …

I was ok, since I couldn’t go out with him since Josef was here. 

yes, that fucks me so much … Roger came to my life just few days before Josef´s arrival and he stole part of my mind… I should have focus on Josef but my mind and heart was wandering after this guy that I just saw once in the bus.

He was just wandering there … walking there …invading me and the time I had to fully enjoy next to Josef.

What was Roger hiding?

One of the many time when I asked him when would we meet … (he was supposed to come to my office to install something) he said just gimme an opportunity to put things in order.

What did he need to put in order?

He asked me for my Facebook but I told him I didn’t have .. I didn’t want him to see Josef … 

I decided to look for him and saw some of his pictures … on one there was he with a baby …

I was suspicious he could be a father ..

DAys later he told me need to know I have a little one of four years old …

I acted as there was no problem, because there was no problem …

Then he would finally go over my building …

He said he moved everything and almost killed his boss in order to do that project in my building …

He called me by phone, he talked for 15 minutes …

I was going to see him next day …

The day came, I took one of my best outfits … tight pants and a blue blouse, I was looking gorgeous …

He told me on Skype, Dani, just some details and we go to your building and I will look for you ….

what time? I asked.

IT is a surprise …

It really was because he never showed up…

I wrote him on whatsapp and on Skype but he never replied…

I was waiting ..he never came…

Next day I wrote him on Skype but I didn’t mention anything about yesterdays.

He was moody because he said he just slept one hour …

After days playing with his Skype updates …he wrote ..he fall in love with a woman of a green dress that he saw on his office floor …

that was a kick in my heart …

Daniel just told me …he just showed you he doesn’t give a fuck about you…

thats true …

I deleted him phone number from my mobile to stop writing him like that day I wrote him drunk at 5 am saying .. I fucking like you. 

and so far.. We haven’t talked in a week….

I did all I could to show him I was interested, but ok, I cant force people to be with me …

I am starting to get over him, after all I just met him once in my life …

but I must confess he is bipolar … he talked to me  at times like someone in love and others like if I was nothing (I guess I am).

So, this shows how pathetic my life is that I get super excited for having some illusion in my gray life …