This should be the second or maybe the third time I think I might die…

The first could be when I was in a low cost flight from Amsterdam to Prague. The flight attendant went row by row to ask us to turn off all our devices. Airplane mode wasn’t enough. We had to turn off our devices that was weird. Sergey was in panic because he hates flying, but we landed well.

So I won’t count this experience then.

So, the first time I thought “that’s it” was when a big earthquake hit my city in 2017. Some days before there was an earthquake too. I usually not afraid of earth movements but I was starting to panic because this was taking too long.

Luckily, it stopped. It was just a preparation for what was coming.

I think it was a Thursday, I was in the gym when I started feeling something was moving. I looked at the guy who was cleaning and he just agreed with his eyes to my doubt that it was tembling.

We rapidly left the gym, but we had to leave one by one thru a small space. Then in the stairs an old lady was being helped to go down. So the rest of all we were after her. In that moment I thought that’s it, my end. I wanted to cry. I was about crying. Then I came back to sanity and we were safely on the ground.

After this experience. I had nervous issues for almost a month.

The second time, was today during my flight. The crew told us there were gonna be turbulence, but it was really scary. The first thought that came to my mind was my mom. She would be destroyed if something happened to me. If something happened I would like my mom to carry on, maybe “adopt” one of my old friends like a daughter. I love my mom and I would like her to be happy even without me.

My eyes watered. This time I felt sad by leaving my mom behind. Last time, we were in such a hurry that we didn’t have time to be nostalgic.

I love my mom, but I think I should tell her that if someday I’m not with her, she should enjoy life, spend her money, help the poor.



It´s over .. adiós

Today I had a dream about Josef, I dreamt he came to see me, he was looking very good and I told him something like I almost don talk to you because I dont want to know that you have someone else in your life, I cant stand that. I cant see you happy with someone else.

After my dream I wrote to him that we should meet. I thought we could meet again before deciding if we belong together or not. His answer were not so clear. He told me he had someone now (as I thought) and that even she might be pregnant now.

That´s all.

All I needed to now. It is over.

Maybe God is saving me from something. I remember many things I didnt like about Josef, like his lack of ambition.

I think is better this way.

I cried, yes I did. I won´t deny it.

Maybe is my fear of staying alone forever. But I shouldnt see people as an option.

Yesterday, José wrote me and told me he got divorced and that we would love to see me .. maybe from there was that I dreamt about Josef.

He never told me personal details of his life .. I did … I told him about the brazilians, etc.

He just told me once he would marry one girl there. When he was drunk a couple of times he sent me messages saying I am the one that I should go fast or all is over.

But now all is over.

It is ok, so I don´t see him as an option.

And now I’m glad I didn’t know 
The way it all would end the way it all would go 
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain 
But I’d have to miss the dance 

Cuando íbamos

Domingo 20 de mayo 2018

Hoy recordé cuando iba con Pedro a hacer el super después de ir al gym.

Era en domingo, hacía calor pero iba en mi camioneta y el en su coche.

Era divertido.

Me gustaba vivir en esa ciudad e ir a ese gimnasio y a ese super. Me sentía libre, independiente.

Después en casa no había nadie que me molestara.

Pedro era un buen amigo, el que decía, aquello que te choca hacer es lo que más necesitas hacer.

It’s been a while since the last time I wrote.

Wednesday, May 16

Last time I wrote, I was “in love” of Fabs, the Brazilian guy. Months have passed since then. And today I talked with him, hehe.

At the moment I’m not romantically involved with any man. Sadly or wisely.

I moved to Canada in January 2nd.

I remember I used to be concerned about how it would be before I was applying for my study program. But I did it and I have been here for four months already.

Time flies.

At school I made a friend from my city but in February she started dating with a Swiss guy from our class, now they are in a relationship and we don’t hang out anymore. During all January we used to hang out practically every weekend and sometimes after class. Thanks to her I joined the gym.

Later, I met other friends. I think, tho I am not sure if they can be called friends and I don’t Care.

This was my chance to start again but I think I haven’t changed a lot or maybe I did.

Later I made friends of my roommates that are mostly from my same country and from a young girl from Vietnam. She is still a teenager so sometimes she is annoying hehe.

I started worked at a restaurant. OMG! I hate when I have to go, but I haven’t gone in 3 days and I already missed it.

Yesterday, I decided to go to my work party in the south of the province. OMG, it was so far away. I arrived late because I had to go to school, but I am glad I went to the party.

I met my Brazilian coworker in the last subway station and then we took a bus and walked and got lost so finally at 17hrs we made it.

I got surprised this girl is just 19 yo, this is crazy I am so much older than her..  :O

I spent a nice time even if I just stayed few hours to the party. At the end, a girl wanted to leave and I said, ok I can go with you. Which, was a good decision so I actually arrived faster to my home and I had to chanced to talk to her. She is older than me, and she is also here studying and well, she is living and facing the same things I am.

Something, Eduard told me before was that we need friends of our age or older and that is totally fine. I mostly hang with younger people but I need friends of my age or older, so I can grow up more .

Late Late Late

My period was soo late this month.

Around 13-15 days.

This was the second time in all my life that my period comes so late.

The first time was in January 2018, after spending my holidays in Prague.

and now in this May. I wasn’t worried because I didn’t get laid like in ages.

But still it makes me wonder if maybe something was wrong with my body.

I think I should start eating better.

I miss you

I noticed today was Fab´s birthday and I decided to congratulate him.

He said he misses me.

I wonder if he does. .. maybe he does because he has not a reason to say it if he doesn’t feel this way.

He is in my hometown now I told her I am going this weekend. But I dont think we are going to meet. I dont care now.

Maybe because I didn’t get fit as I wanted, but also because I got over him a lot time ago.

But he is my friend still and I like him and I think maybe he didn’t lie to me and I am special to him.  He is 38 yo now, but he is still hot as fire.


Fuck me badly once ..shame on you

Fuck me badly twice …shame on me

I should have known it.  Today I had a presentation with a Korean and Chinese classmates. This Chinese girl is weird, her attitude confuses me. It is like she doesn’t understand what needs to be done and just want do things her way.

She told me she has a a business. She and her boyfriend knows how to get scholarships to go to study to China, either Chinese languages, or a Bachelor´s, Masters, etc. She said she can send me there for free but also want me to help her to sell such services to the Spanish speaking world. She guarantees you to get the scholarship to study in China but you should pay her agency, 20% of the total amount of the scholarship. That is a lot of money.

2 weeks ago I went to have lunch to her house, but it was weird. I arrived and they told me, now you can cook. What? Wasn’t I a guess? She and her Korean boyfriend were nice, but still different, maybe because they have other culture.

But back to the presentation, before we worked together and she took forever to finish the PPT. In fact, she finished at dawn and this time, even when I started the file days ago, she didn’t even put an slide in the ppt until tomorrow at 11 pm and she changed everything and put some crazy stuff.

She wants to do such crazy things that of course they finished being all wrong.  She event deleted ¨by mistake¨ the slide about our organization chart. I didn’t get angry, but I wasn’t happy with her and she could notice.

The teachers destroyed our presentation, but at least this time it was longer. (Last month, my team did also poorly and I had to talk whatever I could to spend more time).

I would never work with this girl in any project and I think the business with her would also not work.

I shouldn’t be scared to say NO. No, thanks. I don´t want to work with you.

but, I am improving anywhere.

I am just getting better.