We met again (31th August)

He spent almost a month in Brazil … later he went to Panama. I quit my job meanwhile .. He came back…on Monday … in fact it was already Tuesday. I was monitoring him in the office chat to check if he was online .. therefore in the office. . but he wasn’t .
I didn’t see him on Tuesday. On Wednesday finally I saw him. He asked me: do you have time for coffee with an old friend? I walked to the other building´s cafeteria to see him. There he was …as always, tall and gorgeous … looking great in that blue jacket.

He hugged me … longer than I expected. He gave me a cup he bought for me . . that says ¨Brasil, beleza¨. He said he chose that when he saw the ¨beleza¨ He thinks I say this world too much. Probably, I do since I think that is what Brazilians say.

We sat down in the table and I told him I quit .. I told him my plans and he said finally it seems I had a ¨plan¨ and that I look very happy about it. I was nervous since he asked me before to do a plan about what I wanted to do … business model canvas (BMC) that according to him we can use it for any plan, so my mind would get used to work in a structured way. He is a PM, at the end. He even told me before he wanted to see the plan. It made me feel like he does care about me … in someway.

Anyway, that was on Wednesday. I want to meet him outside the office madly, that day I went to the gym and I finished tired of boxing, plus there was a small flood outside my house, so it would make difficult to go out or return home later. We didn’t meet that day, but we did the next day.

On Thursday it was my last day of work, Chris told me to go out to have some drinks as my farewell party, Memo also wanted this, but I didn’t have time to think about it since I had to pack all my things and also I wanted to spend the night with Fabs.

So, I moved to a place I booked through Airbnb and I was ready to meet Fabs. He was going on Friday early morning, so there was no other chance to meet. We went to place we visited the first time we went out .. yes, that night when I was dunk and he asked me ¨why don’t you kiss me¨. Dinner was nice, I wasn’t really hungry since before I had dinner and tea with my gym mate Pedro, but ok .. all I really wanted was to be with the Brazilian guy. 

We were chatting and drinking honey beer, jeje, and suddenly a girl gave me a paper to write my comments about the service. He asked me, does it say something about the company? Because I haven’t got any kisses .. .DAMN!!! I had to kiss him!! Why I had not kissed him? I don’t know .. maybe I was not sure he would want to continue with our thing … 

Why can he kiss me first? Anyway, we kissed. I love his kisses. 

I went to the bathroom and when I returned to had already asked and paid the bill.

We called an Uber and we went to his house … (probably because I was living in an Airbnb). Finally we arrived, such a nice house where he lives with some Asians guys from the company.

I saw his room, his table was a mess, a lot of papers there. I saw his guitar, he wanted to play something but he hadn’t had time to adjust the guitar strings.

Finally, he had condoms! So, surely he knew we would end up in his room.

That night, I don’t know why, but sex was not that good as last time. 

When we finished, as he always left my place and never stayed, I was not sure if I should go home or what. I think he told me something as please stay, we slept naked in his bed, it was cold due the fan so we were under the blankets. I remember his body touching my body, his arm around me I think, it was a bit uncomfortable for me but Ok i felt asleep.

He set his alarm at 6 but it didn’t ring. 

At 6:10 my alarm started ringing … that alarm I never heard the days I had to wake up to go to work .. that alarm sounded and saved us .. he put his clothes on fast and packed his suitcase and grabbed his guitar …

I told him there was a bus at 7,30 that he could take to the airport.

He said we would ask for an Uber to take him to the bus station and then it can bring me home. 

So, we did it. There he was with his suitcase and his guitar … he really looks good even at 6 am ..

He grabbed my hand during the way to the bus station, for me this was very strange because I always felt wall between us .. maybe he didn’t want to stay too close and thats why he never spent the night at my place. I don’t know … should I spend time to think what he felt? I am not sure, maybe I just need to realize he CARES about me … in his way …but he does. 

We arrived …. He kissed me and he said . see you in M City. 

By WhatsApp we don’t talk that much, in fact, he is not online that much there ..and all the time we spent together …he can stay hours without looking as his cellphone …

So, I don’t wanna write to him anymore, probably we will meet in October, when he returns.  

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I don’t want to think about you 

I got my period, so I suppose I’m not pregnant.

I thought about the possibilities. What would I have done if I was pregnant?

I think I would have had the baby, even with his dad living in Brazil. I would just have asked him to give him  his surname.

So, I could tell my son “your dad is Brazilian, syou will be a soccer player.” Hehe 

Yesterday iin the restaurant I was having lunch I saw two little boys in the table next to mine. I imagined how my child would and how I could be with him in the same restaurant some months later. 

I would like to have a baby boy..But I don’t think Fab and I would be together not even for a child.

But all these ideas are stupid. I’m not pregnant and maybe I  would ever meet again Fab. 

I have been thinking a lot  about  him lately. I should stop it. 

I don’t want to think about you. 

I’m not in love with him.  I don’t miss him. But I bet he would be a good dad and he definitely would provide a good DNA for a child.

No matter what I would get a pregnancy test, just in case. Second time in a year, way to go … 

Now go away of my thoughts…

Friday 21th Saturday 22th July, 2017 

He left yesterday, on Saturday 22th July. He left my house around 05:30 am, I was waiting for his taxi to arrive. It was cold, he put my jacket hat on me. When the taxi arrived I said stupid things, like see you soon, or maybe never… I think words were not necessary.  
After being in the Irish pub he said he would go with home to make sure I was safe. I was not sure if we would sleep together again. He didn’t let me drink this night.  
We arrived home. I literally told him “estou com vontade de você”. I wanted him. I forgot my sickness and I started kissing him. I took off my shirt. He wanted it too. 
So, this was your plan since the beginning? He said. I replied I thought we would only have dinner. You are dangerous he added. I know why he told me dangerous many things. He could not help himself, he wanted me. That’s why he ran away from me that day of the movies. He likes me, I think he likes me very much. 
We made love on that Saturday early morning. The first time we were both sober. We didn’t have condoms. He promise he would be careful to not cum inside me again. 
Before I thought I was just a sexual object for him, a fun, there he just used me. But this night he was different with me, that’s why I said we made love. He kissed me a lot, he kissed my body, and was very nice with me. There was a kind of tenderness between us. 
He had to stop around three times in order to not finish. He counted and even thought about his panda boss. He told me to stop doing a thing that drove him crazy (I didn’t know it was working). 
That night was special for me. At the end I was caressing his face. 
I got closer to him. He is not very open to people, but this night we got closer. I feel “loved” and sex was good, hehe. 
I just hope there’s no a baby asconsequence a of such great night 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Thursday 20th July 2017

On Wednesday I decided to avoid gym, I had taken the postday pills on Monday and I was feeling weak after a new session of kickboxing with the new trainer. 
I arrived early at home to find bound Hector was not longer living in the house. I suppose it was OK since he had been a pain in the bass during the last couple of days. This was the end of my favorite roomies. 
I put my shorts on but I probably left my room twice when I went to wash my bandage for kickboxing. Probably, it was d there when I got sick. I was doing so stuff to finish a report and suddenly at night I feel pain in my throat. I thought with sleep and tea all would be fine next day. 
On Thursday, Fabs asked me if I could grab him anything to eat on the go, of course I would, I told him I would stop at Starbucks and I got coffee and a sandwich for him. Damn, I forgot my Starbucks card that day and I still need to get it back.
I arrived to my office and realized I forgot my computer at home, I decided to left. I visited the doctor and got some injections 😖💉
I went home and sleep a bit in the noon. After, he wrote me to check how I was since he didn’t see me during lunch. I took my car to wash and he told me that he was leaving on Saturday, as it was planned since the beginning. I was shocked, so fast. I thought we would have more time to spend together, but thanks to Eduardo I realized we didn’t. 
Fabs told me on the company’s chat but I didn’t see it because I was sleeping. I felt a bit sad and empty. 
I had said to Fabs that we should go to take coffee again in that Irish place he liked (excuse for me). He said it was probably going to rain and that I should not leave my house. I said I was feeling better since I just wanted to spend time with him.  
I told him we could get some good to be delivered at home and I did order some Argentinian food that arrived fast at home. He brought a coke.
As usually, there was no a movie to watch. I remember once he kissed me in the face, as I have Faringitis it was not a good idea to kiss and I thought we would not spend another night together due my sickness. 
I asked him about his ideal job and he said it would be to have his own company of software development.. But to make a difference, to create something it would make an impact in the life of others. He is great. I admire him. 
He left around 1 am, he came to my home to check how I was. He said I looked OK. He asked me in the afternoon, how many days you have left? When I told him I went to the doctor. 
When he told me he would come I felt happy, I was jumping of happiness and I got tired. I just like to spend time with him.
Taxi came and we kissed on the lips. I thought maybe I would not see him again. Or maybe yes, on Friday in the office.  

He was joking me how Dr hagrid would be so happy on Friday to inject me and see my ass jaja. Because Fabs is a PM and he doesn’t know how to do it. 

I would get everything for free

Charlie and I arrived to the dining room.

There was not an empty table so we shared it. Some minutes later, rockabilly arrived he is irreverent and seems cool.

So he started saying…

If I were a girl I would get everything for free.

-But what if you were ugly?

Come on, boy, p…ssy is p..ssy. I would say to him invite me for lunch everyday and we shag on Friday.

So, how do you call that? a whore?

Would you get everything for free if you were a girl?

I am a girl and sometimes I feel awkward if some men pays all for me.

I guess you don’t even have to shag someone to get a free meal 😀 lol

wrong bus

I guess I got to meet him the 2th of September. I got extremely excited. AS usual I thought …oh he could be the one. 

The one….

next day after meeting him in a bus I arrived to my work place and had a email from him. I was more than happy. 

We started talking on Skype and as my friends told me I shouldn’t invite him out, he must be the one who needs to show interest.

Days passed and passed …

He even saved my phone number and whatsapp me once. Later, he barely reply to my messages. 

Time passed and he never invited me out or made any move to see us again …

I was ok, since I couldn’t go out with him since Josef was here. 

yes, that fucks me so much … Roger came to my life just few days before Josef´s arrival and he stole part of my mind… I should have focus on Josef but my mind and heart was wandering after this guy that I just saw once in the bus.

He was just wandering there … walking there …invading me and the time I had to fully enjoy next to Josef.

What was Roger hiding?

One of the many time when I asked him when would we meet … (he was supposed to come to my office to install something) he said just gimme an opportunity to put things in order.

What did he need to put in order?

He asked me for my Facebook but I told him I didn’t have .. I didn’t want him to see Josef … 

I decided to look for him and saw some of his pictures … on one there was he with a baby …

I was suspicious he could be a father ..

DAys later he told me ..you need to know I have a little one of four years old …

I acted as there was no problem, because there was no problem …

Then he would finally go over my building …

He said he moved everything and almost killed his boss in order to do that project in my building …

He called me by phone, he talked for 15 minutes …

I was going to see him next day …

The day came, I took one of my best outfits … tight pants and a blue blouse, I was looking gorgeous …

He told me on Skype, Dani, just some details and we go to your building and I will look for you ….

what time? I asked.

IT is a surprise …

It really was because he never showed up…

I wrote him on whatsapp and on Skype but he never replied…

I was waiting ..he never came…

Next day I wrote him on Skype but I didn’t mention anything about yesterdays.

He was moody because he said he just slept one hour …

After days playing with his Skype updates …he wrote ..he fall in love with a woman of a green dress that he saw on his office floor …

that was a kick in my heart …

Daniel just told me …he just showed you he doesn’t give a fuck about you…

thats true …

I deleted him phone number from my mobile to stop writing him like that day I wrote him drunk at 5 am saying .. I fucking like you. 

and so far.. We haven’t talked in a week….

I did all I could to show him I was interested, but ok, I cant force people to be with me …

I am starting to get over him, after all I just met him once in my life …

but I must confess he is bipolar … he talked to me  at times like someone in love and others like if I was nothing (I guess I am).

So, this shows how pathetic my life is that I get super excited for having some illusion in my gray life …

dream 2

I dreamt I was with  a fortune teller and that she told me my future was in the UK, but that I shouldn’t believe I could make it on my own, like getting a job wouldn´t be easy, but that I have the support of my mom and that I should be nice with her, controlling my madness.