How do I feel? Friday 29-10-2017

It has been almost a month since I quit my job.

I remember I had a lot of plan of what I could do after quitting.

Well, I have not done so many things as I should have expected.

Why? I am not quite sure.

It is as if I had not enough time. I know it sounds ridiculous, but sometimes I didn’t even have time to hit to the gym.

I realized that not having a “must do” makes me lazy. Why should I wake up early? I dont have a job, so what´s the point?   I have tried it but I didnt success. I am not sure why.

For example, tomorrow I want to wake up early to go for a run, would I succeed? I dont think so was my answer but I think I need to change my mindset. That is? If since the beginning I think I wouldn’t do it, for sure I won’t do it.

I need to change my mindset and start doing all the things I wanna do .

Advertisements

We met again (31th August)

He spent almost a month in Brazil … later he went to Panama. I quit my job meanwhile .. He came back…on Monday … in fact it was already Tuesday. I was monitoring him in the office chat to check if he was online .. therefore in the office. . but he wasn’t .
I didn’t see him on Tuesday. On Wednesday finally I saw him. He asked me: do you have time for coffee with an old friend? I walked to the other building´s cafeteria to see him. There he was …as always, tall and gorgeous … looking great in that blue jacket.

He hugged me … longer than I expected. He gave me a cup he bought for me . . that says ¨Brasil, beleza¨. He said he chose that when he saw the ¨beleza¨ He thinks I say this world too much. Probably, I do since I think that is what Brazilians say.

We sat down in the table and I told him I quit .. I told him my plans and he said finally it seems I had a ¨plan¨ and that I look very happy about it. I was nervous since he asked me before to do a plan about what I wanted to do … business model canvas (BMC) that according to him we can use it for any plan, so my mind would get used to work in a structured way. He is a PM, at the end. He even told me before he wanted to see the plan. It made me feel like he does care about me … in someway.

Anyway, that was on Wednesday. I want to meet him outside the office madly, that day I went to the gym and I finished tired of boxing, plus there was a small flood outside my house, so it would make difficult to go out or return home later. We didn’t meet that day, but we did the next day.

On Thursday it was my last day of work, Chris told me to go out to have some drinks as my farewell party, Memo also wanted this, but I didn’t have time to think about it since I had to pack all my things and also I wanted to spend the night with Fabs.

So, I moved to a place I booked through Airbnb and I was ready to meet Fabs. He was going on Friday early morning, so there was no other chance to meet. We went to place we visited the first time we went out .. yes, that night when I was dunk and he asked me ¨why don’t you kiss me¨. Dinner was nice, I wasn’t really hungry since before I had dinner and tea with my gym mate Pedro, but ok .. all I really wanted was to be with the Brazilian guy. 

We were chatting and drinking honey beer, jeje, and suddenly a girl gave me a paper to write my comments about the service. He asked me, does it say something about the company? Because I haven’t got any kisses .. .DAMN!!! I had to kiss him!! Why I had not kissed him? I don’t know .. maybe I was not sure he would want to continue with our thing … 

Why can he kiss me first? Anyway, we kissed. I love his kisses. 

I went to the bathroom and when I returned to had already asked and paid the bill.

We called an Uber and we went to his house … (probably because I was living in an Airbnb). Finally we arrived, such a nice house where he lives with some Asians guys from the company.

I saw his room, his table was a mess, a lot of papers there. I saw his guitar, he wanted to play something but he hadn’t had time to adjust the guitar strings.

Finally, he had condoms! So, surely he knew we would end up in his room.

That night, I don’t know why, but sex was not that good as last time. 

When we finished, as he always left my place and never stayed, I was not sure if I should go home or what. I think he told me something as please stay, we slept naked in his bed, it was cold due the fan so we were under the blankets. I remember his body touching my body, his arm around me I think, it was a bit uncomfortable for me but Ok i felt asleep.

He set his alarm at 6 but it didn’t ring. 

At 6:10 my alarm started ringing … that alarm I never heard the days I had to wake up to go to work .. that alarm sounded and saved us .. he put his clothes on fast and packed his suitcase and grabbed his guitar …

I told him there was a bus at 7,30 that he could take to the airport.

He said we would ask for an Uber to take him to the bus station and then it can bring me home. 

So, we did it. There he was with his suitcase and his guitar … he really looks good even at 6 am ..

He grabbed my hand during the way to the bus station, for me this was very strange because I always felt wall between us .. maybe he didn’t want to stay too close and thats why he never spent the night at my place. I don’t know … should I spend time to think what he felt? I am not sure, maybe I just need to realize he CARES about me … in his way …but he does. 

We arrived …. He kissed me and he said . see you in M City. 

By WhatsApp we don’t talk that much, in fact, he is not online that much there ..and all the time we spent together …he can stay hours without looking as his cellphone …

So, I don’t wanna write to him anymore, probably we will meet in October, when he returns.  

I don’t want to think about you 

I got my period, so I suppose I’m not pregnant.

I thought about the possibilities. What would I have done if I was pregnant?

I think I would have had the baby, even with his dad living in Brazil. I would just have asked him to give him  his surname.

So, I could tell my son “your dad is Brazilian, syou will be a soccer player.” Hehe 

Yesterday iin the restaurant I was having lunch I saw two little boys in the table next to mine. I imagined how my child would and how I could be with him in the same restaurant some months later. 

I would like to have a baby boy..But I don’t think Fab and I would be together not even for a child.

But all these ideas are stupid. I’m not pregnant and maybe I  would ever meet again Fab. 

I have been thinking a lot  about  him lately. I should stop it. 

I don’t want to think about you. 

I’m not in love with him.  I don’t miss him. But I bet he would be a good dad and he definitely would provide a good DNA for a child.

No matter what I would get a pregnancy test, just in case. Second time in a year, way to go … 

Now go away of my thoughts…

stuck in nowhere

I just realized how Fast the time past… It is an old saying, but its so true.

Other thing that can fade away are dreams … the more time it past the more difficult is to achieve them. Why? Because we are too settle in our comfort zone.

I remember when I was a teenager .. I wanted to be 18 years old and escape away from my home, from the city, from the country. 10 years later, I didn’t escape. Anyway, I barely remember my dreams, but I remember they were big.

Where did they stay?

I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. I remember I was crazier. I was doing crazy things … ¨meeting¨ crazy men.

I need to do something or I will never do anything in my life.

I have a stable job, but what’s that? It is nothing. Doing the same one more year will drive me crazy.

I decided to quit tomorrow after my boss returned from China, but I need to delay it at least for a week, because I have not a plan.

I just feel I need to jump even if there is not a plan. To jump into the unknown. what’s the worst that can happen? But …what is the best that can happen?

Fooled again

I did quit my job by chat since my boss was in Costa Rica.

We talked face to face when he came back. He said much. He promised he was fighting to get me a salary increase (lie) and that I can stop being in charge of MX and focus in auditory (sounds boring, right?).

So, few days later Charlie and I are training the new guys who will be in charge of our job. They are not so good, one is careless and the girl a bit distracted.  I don’t know how that will end.

I’m heading to Europe on Sunday. Hope my work will survive and that I can do better for my new job activities, that my boss said will include traveling and give trainings.

So far that’s all in the mine coal… I will keep you posted. 😉

TIME TO SAY GOODBYE

Jos  talked to me,  he said that  we should start acting as single since we are both in different countries.  I said he was right.

Maybe he had an urge to get laid with that girl from his college,  maybe he is just tired.

I agreed.

He deserves  to be happy and I would like him to spend his bday being loved,  hugged,  kissed,  even if it’s by other girl.

There is no need to run for  happiness. 

….
At job,  Charly and I will quit next month. He wants to go first but I am worried that it would look suspicious  if I quit some days later…

Rosa told me I was a key member…  Key member that haven’t got a rise since July 2013 and that works,  works and works….

It need to be done.  I don’t wanna keep all the workload without Charlie and my flight to Portugal is ready.

its time

The time is here ..

I am gonna quit my job… after more than 3 years ..

I was cleaning my stuff when I found out my diplomas of Spanish Teacher .. I found two of them …

I put them in a folder … its time to use them ..

I am kind of nervous, but I should not .. its the time ..

IF I dont do it now, I would never do it …