I don’t want to think about you 

I got my period, so I suppose I’m not pregnant.

I thought about the possibilities. What would I have done if I was pregnant?

I think I would have had the baby, even with his dad living in Brazil. I would just have asked him to give him  his surname.

So, I could tell my son “your dad is Brazilian, syou will be a soccer player.” Hehe 

Yesterday iin the restaurant I was having lunch I saw two little boys in the table next to mine. I imagined how my child would and how I could be with him in the same restaurant some months later. 

I would like to have a baby boy..But I don’t think Fab and I would be together not even for a child.

But all these ideas are stupid. I’m not pregnant and maybe I  would ever meet again Fab. 

I have been thinking a lot  about  him lately. I should stop it. 

I don’t want to think about you. 

I’m not in love with him.  I don’t miss him. But I bet he would be a good dad and he definitely would provide a good DNA for a child.

No matter what I would get a pregnancy test, just in case. Second time in a year, way to go … 

Now go away of my thoughts…

Brainstorm of him 

Capoeria

The older brother 

Washing car business when young 

Worked in air engineering 

External business of software development 

He said he is an Ugly Brazilian 

Good football player 

He sitting as a God in my chair 

No one can stay next to you in bed and do nothing 

Hates cactus (nopal)

I don’t like girls paying 

Espresso Doble cortado

Difficult to please 

He is not a slave of his mobile phone 

“come to me “

You are dangerous 

Acting weird when we meet in the office in a place that is not the cafeteria

Why don’t you kiss me? 😘😘😘 (first kiss)

This is part of the game, going out, drinks… 

While drinking… Taste this (he wants to kiss me) 

What could go wrong? Everything went wrong… We could even become parents… 

Abacaxi

He likes rocks 

Apple fan

Miami

You are crazier that I thought 

Don’t send me a picture with green hair, I want to remember you as now..

He put my name and a pic of me in a bus picture… he took time for this, this must mean something right?




Friday 7th July, 2017

That Friday I invited a lot of people to the gym to go clubbing, why? Because I want to go out with ¨The Brazilian, Fabs who is my fav”.

The night started with me arriving rushing to my house. Taking out my Net stockings that I had just bought for this night. I had a wine color dress and some booties. I think I was looking very nice, but yeah, I am a bit chubby.

I arrived late to meet Peter and he and I went to a nice brewery. They had delicious craft beer. Gaby arrived later and around 10:30 we moved to the club.

Fabs hadn’t  arrived, he arrived around midnight and I was already drunk.

I remember texting him, hurry up, since the most time it passes the more difficult is for me to unblock my phone. Finally, he arrived, gosh, he is hot.

Cari and Gabi told me he was very fine… a gay blondie, Paco, also said..he hated me for being eating such a guy.

I remember we were dancing, reggeaton and hip hop, I also, remember (kinda) that I was sitting in the club. Later, I found out I actually fell asleep twice that night.

I remember going towards Fabs and he was just trying to calm me down saying ¨despacito¨to me, haha.  Later, he told me it was because I was like crazy, and spilled his drink 4 times.

Gaby was making out with a teenager that was next to us. Later, she escaped without paying her part of the bill, also she took Peter´s money, because he left early, more less at the time that Fabs arrived.  Cari and Gaby said because he is into me, and well, I was very busy with Fabs, of course.

I tried to pay my part of the bill. That night we drank Buchanan´s. But, this gentleman of course didn’t let me pay. Next time in the gym, Cari told me, Fabs was very nice all night with me, taking care I didn’t fall, just standing in front of me watching me while I was sleeping in the club, jaja, paying my bill and taking me home.

We came home, and yes, again had irresponsible intercorse.  I don’t remember much, He finished on my back and sent me to take a shower. I did, left the bathroom with a towel on and lay in bed. He went to the bathroom … 

Thats all I remember. I woke up next day alone in my bed. He had left, as he did the Friday before.

I was feeling a bit sad .. nostalgic or empty …

But I didn’t have much time to be sad. Next I had to drive around 25 mins to check a house I wanted to buy. My mom came also to checked, at the end she got mad because the sellers want me to sign some documents but still it was not for sure that I would get my house, so why to sign?

Anyway, my mom was right when things are for you …they simply are, and it seems that house was not for me. It was too far away from the center, probably not a Smart decision.

I had told Fabs that we could do a lot of things on Saturday and Sunday.

But he barely wrote me during that weekend… I didn’t want to bother him. He knew the plans I had and if he didn’t say a Word.. it was obvious his answer.

I slept in the afternoon, maybe to see the time pass, trying to avoid thinking he didn’t write to me.

And well, yes, I was waiting for he to write to me ….but I didn’t want to bother him.

Fingers through my hair 

I don’t want to forget the night of 30th December. 

Serge and u were supposed to go a Spanish party.  The boyfriend of Alexandra is Spanish. She is an ex colleague of Serge. 

I didn’t feel like going very much but I was not going to say it.  So, we were resting in bed and decided not to go due some logistics issues as excuse. Well, next day we had to leave around 11 am.  

We didn’t go.  But it was getting late to get some food and drinks to celebrate.  It was around 7pm and we decide to go and explore around.  I was worried we wouldn’t find anything open but luckily we did.  

To be honest I wouldn’t have mind not to have something to celebrate new year  but I thought Serge wouldn’t be happy maybe also because he would think about me, right?

We did. We bought some stuff and sodas to take home. We walked a lot. But at the end we had food, wine and tequila.

We got wasted. 

But what I wanted to remember is that I was sitting and there was a mirror in front of me. He was behind me and started touching my hair… Your hair is so dark, he said.  

It made me feel beautiful. It was a way of saying so. I felt that way. 

I felt like he was opening himself to me. 

But I guess he ever really did.  

I stay with this moment.  He.. Playing with my hair. 

He and I sitting somewhere in the Netherlands. 

Nothing else happened that night. 

I we don’t remember when we fall asleep.

When I was younger…

I used to write a lot… About everything and about nothing and it was great.

After I started working and left it because I was too busy to say and write. I have been trying to go back to blogging but I haven’t succeed until now.

Now blogging is so easy. I can do it from every place on my iPhone.  So, there is no excuse. 

Now I am 28 years old. When did this happen? I have no idea.

I joined to the gym a month ago but I can’t yet see im losing weight.  It makes me a bit frustrated, but it’s ok. I just became serious about exercising 2 weeks ago.  

On Monday, Wednesday and Thursday I go to spinning class at 19hrs. And on Tuesday and Thursday I do body pump… Whatever that means….

Last month I attended to the gym on Saturday. It was good. I must try to do it more often. After all, it’s not Like I have lots of things to go. 

I feel good at gym, even when I feel a bit nervous about the strange machines to do exercise and the people over there.  But now that I’m thinking about it  I realize nobody cares about me… I am ashamed of going there with my little belly.. But I suspect no one cares. 

I don’t know why I spend so much time thinking about it  when in fact no one cares.  I must remember this everytime I was shyly into the gym.  Fuck them… I will fit sooner than later.  

Today I didn’t attend to the gym, I was not feeling well tho I didn’t feel bad either.  

Tomorrow I will go.  

On Tuesday I take the bus to go to work.  It’s not that bad now. We have a bus from our company that picks us up. I need to arrive at our 715 am to get a proper seat.  So, I can sleep, read and now write. 🤓

Lately I’m having a fight to find out what to wear.  I feel frustrated since I’m a bit fat nothing seems to suit me well.  I know I might be exaggerating, but I do feel this way. 

I see other people wearing nice clothes or dresses and me always wearing boring plants and blouses to cover my fatness. 😞

I want to dress nicely too.  
Anyway. I.must go to bed now since every morning I can barely get up.

I need to change…
Tata 😘

stuck in nowhere

I just realized how Fast the time past… It is an old saying, but its so true.

Other thing that can fade away are dreams … the more time it past the more difficult is to achieve them. Why? Because we are too settle in our comfort zone.

I remember when I was a teenager .. I wanted to be 18 years old and escape away from my home, from the city, from the country. 10 years later, I didn’t escape. Anyway, I barely remember my dreams, but I remember they were big.

Where did they stay?

I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. I remember I was crazier. I was doing crazy things … ¨meeting¨ crazy men.

I need to do something or I will never do anything in my life.

I have a stable job, but what’s that? It is nothing. Doing the same one more year will drive me crazy.

I decided to quit tomorrow after my boss returned from China, but I need to delay it at least for a week, because I have not a plan.

I just feel I need to jump even if there is not a plan. To jump into the unknown. what’s the worst that can happen? But …what is the best that can happen?