NU DEVANT MOI

Have you ever fucked a person and be proud of yourself?

I remember that night, he was sitting on my chair looking like a Roman God …shirtless .. probably totally nude.

the First time I saw him was in the laboratory .. I opened to door for him and a Chinese guy … He thanked me for bothering (I was in a training in the lab). I didn’t bother me at all, since he was a tall, tanned, handsome guy.

I was bothered for the others but not by him.

I used to see him during lunch time. He arrived always late, so sometimes he had problems to find a table. I used to joke to my colleagues that I would say ¨Hey, there´s a seat here¨. But I noticed he always ate lunch with a friend of him, another Brazilian.

How did I know he was Brazilian? I have no idea ..  but I knew it.

He was a roommate of one of my friends, so one day they headed to my place in the office and asked me if I have a cup since the office ran out of cups lol. I didn’t have any, so next thing I did when I get home it was to put an extra cup (xícara) in my bag to bring to the office (just in case).

I remember other day I met him in the cafeteria … but I only said something as hello …and he did the same and smile. I didn’t know what to say, so we continue doing coffee.

So, one day, I recieved an email related to some dorms and he was in the loop.  I have his full name now and his work ID number. What did I do? … some days later I remember that email and took his ID and wrote it in the messenger. There he was, I was shy but WTF I just messaged him.  Hello!!!  -Hello, he replied. I asked him if he knew who I was .. he said: -Sure, the cups manager.

What did I write him? What did it expect from it? I am surely never imagined I would finish in bed with him.  I just want to get to know him.

Edward (one friend in common) told me The Brazilian used to walk around the house shirtless, and that he was married and have a daughter. He also sent me an screenshot, where I could see the Brazilian send a pic of him and Eddie said:  It looks so delicious.  Eddie made it sound sexual.  I didn’t think about this until days and days later. He I was already slept with The Brazilian, later I asked to myself …Did Eddie sleep with him too? That would have been very awkward, no?

He always complained about the meals in the canteen so I offered to go to eat outside on Friday.  We met and he said, -so, just the two of us? .

– Yes, is that a problem?

– Not at all

He said my car was nice and  then I drove. He help me with the directions, he is more observant that I am. We went to a nice German place and had a nice time. I learnt ´cheers´ in Portuguese was Saude.

I think that day he asked for my phone, or maybe some days before. That Friday night I went to the gym and he wrote me? Are you here? I said that I was and then we agreed to go out that night.

That was the night when he asked me- Why don’t you kiss me? So I did. .. That night I said  we couldn’t go to my place (to sleep together, obviously) because it was a mess but I told  him that tomorrow we could go.

He is so serious … next day I tried to  invite him to eat .. I think my choice of place wasn’t the best … I tried to pay but he said he didn’t like girls to pay. So, I never tried to paid again, haha.  Later we went to a bar (the same bar When I first dated the first Brazilian, haha) the drinks weren’t to good but we were kinda drunk to go to my place and have sex.

I remember that he wanted to try my drinks from my lips, but he always wanted me to do the first move … I don’t know why … he gave me hints (that I never caught) like let me try it… haha

I had to take the pill of the next day, in less than a month. I know, such irresponsible  people we were.  But, I never thought this would end in being lovers.

Once he tried to stop it, he just said , lets be normal friends, no sex. We went to the cinema that day. I got the tickets online and he offered to pay, I said no need. At the end he took me to my car, closed the door and ran away … probably he didn’t want to fall in my charm.

Next time we went to a bar, I didn’t see him and kept walking, I remember how he told me to sit by his side to watch the concert. He grabbed me and kissed me .. finally. I think that was the first time he took the initiative.

He left …so soon after he came back …

Sometimes I was wondering what would he be doing in Panama. Maybe he had already a lover over there. But there is no point of thinking that. To be honest, I think I would have fucked other of the Brazilians in the office … it is not as we have a commitment.

Some days later, he added a picture in WhatsApp with his daughter .. how i know the beautiful kid was his? Because they looked so much alike, hahaha! So, Eddie was not lying, he is married and have a children. Maybe he is divorced?  Maybe.

I never asked him and he never said anything. He put off his ring when we went out. I saw it in his finger a couple of times in the office.

I supposed he will come back, I am not sure if we would meet… Hopefully … but then I would want to sleep with him again … even if I am not sure if he gave me something since we always have unprotected sex.  Ok, not always, last time he finally got a camizinha (condom).

Advertisements

How do I feel? Friday 29-10-2017

It has been almost a month since I quit my job.

I remember I had a lot of plan of what I could do after quitting.

Well, I have not done so many things as I should have expected.

Why? I am not quite sure.

It is as if I had not enough time. I know it sounds ridiculous, but sometimes I didn’t even have time to hit to the gym.

I realized that not having a “must do” makes me lazy. Why should I wake up early? I dont have a job, so what´s the point?   I have tried it but I didnt success. I am not sure why.

For example, tomorrow I want to wake up early to go for a run, would I succeed? I dont think so was my answer but I think I need to change my mindset. That is? If since the beginning I think I wouldn’t do it, for sure I won’t do it.

I need to change my mindset and start doing all the things I wanna do .

I don’t want to think about you 

I got my period, so I suppose I’m not pregnant.

I thought about the possibilities. What would I have done if I was pregnant?

I think I would have had the baby, even with his dad living in Brazil. I would just have asked him to give him  his surname.

So, I could tell my son “your dad is Brazilian, syou will be a soccer player.” Hehe 

Yesterday iin the restaurant I was having lunch I saw two little boys in the table next to mine. I imagined how my child would and how I could be with him in the same restaurant some months later. 

I would like to have a baby boy..But I don’t think Fab and I would be together not even for a child.

But all these ideas are stupid. I’m not pregnant and maybe I  would ever meet again Fab. 

I have been thinking a lot  about  him lately. I should stop it. 

I don’t want to think about you. 

I’m not in love with him.  I don’t miss him. But I bet he would be a good dad and he definitely would provide a good DNA for a child.

No matter what I would get a pregnancy test, just in case. Second time in a year, way to go … 

Now go away of my thoughts…

Brainstorm of him 

Capoeria

The older brother 

Washing car business when young 

Worked in air engineering 

External business of software development 

He said he is an Ugly Brazilian 

Good football player 

He sitting as a God in my chair 

No one can stay next to you in bed and do nothing 

Hates cactus (nopal)

I don’t like girls paying 

Espresso Doble cortado

Difficult to please 

He is not a slave of his mobile phone 

“come to me “

You are dangerous 

Acting weird when we meet in the office in a place that is not the cafeteria

Why don’t you kiss me? 😘😘😘 (first kiss)

This is part of the game, going out, drinks… 

While drinking… Taste this (he wants to kiss me) 

What could go wrong? Everything went wrong… We could even become parents… 

Abacaxi

He likes rocks 

Apple fan

Miami

You are crazier that I thought 

Don’t send me a picture with green hair, I want to remember you as now..

He put my name and a pic of me in a bus picture… he took time for this, this must mean something right?




Friday 7th July, 2017

That Friday I invited a lot of people to the gym to go clubbing, why? Because I want to go out with ¨The Brazilian, Fabs who is my fav”.

The night started with me arriving rushing to my house. Taking out my Net stockings that I had just bought for this night. I had a wine color dress and some booties. I think I was looking very nice, but yeah, I am a bit chubby.

I arrived late to meet Peter and he and I went to a nice brewery. They had delicious craft beer. Gaby arrived later and around 10:30 we moved to the club.

Fabs hadn’t  arrived, he arrived around midnight and I was already drunk.

I remember texting him, hurry up, since the most time it passes the more difficult is for me to unblock my phone. Finally, he arrived, gosh, he is hot.

Cari and Gabi told me he was very fine… a gay blondie, Paco, also said..he hated me for being eating such a guy.

I remember we were dancing, reggeaton and hip hop, I also, remember (kinda) that I was sitting in the club. Later, I found out I actually fell asleep twice that night.

I remember going towards Fabs and he was just trying to calm me down saying ¨despacito¨to me, haha.  Later, he told me it was because I was like crazy, and spilled his drink 4 times.

Gaby was making out with a teenager that was next to us. Later, she escaped without paying her part of the bill, also she took Peter´s money, because he left early, more less at the time that Fabs arrived.  Cari and Gaby said because he is into me, and well, I was very busy with Fabs, of course.

I tried to pay my part of the bill. That night we drank Buchanan´s. But, this gentleman of course didn’t let me pay. Next time in the gym, Cari told me, Fabs was very nice all night with me, taking care I didn’t fall, just standing in front of me watching me while I was sleeping in the club, jaja, paying my bill and taking me home.

We came home, and yes, again had irresponsible intercorse.  I don’t remember much, He finished on my back and sent me to take a shower. I did, left the bathroom with a towel on and lay in bed. He went to the bathroom … 

Thats all I remember. I woke up next day alone in my bed. He had left, as he did the Friday before.

I was feeling a bit sad .. nostalgic or empty …

But I didn’t have much time to be sad. Next I had to drive around 25 mins to check a house I wanted to buy. My mom came also to checked, at the end she got mad because the sellers want me to sign some documents but still it was not for sure that I would get my house, so why to sign?

Anyway, my mom was right when things are for you …they simply are, and it seems that house was not for me. It was too far away from the center, probably not a Smart decision.

I had told Fabs that we could do a lot of things on Saturday and Sunday.

But he barely wrote me during that weekend… I didn’t want to bother him. He knew the plans I had and if he didn’t say a Word.. it was obvious his answer.

I slept in the afternoon, maybe to see the time pass, trying to avoid thinking he didn’t write to me.

And well, yes, I was waiting for he to write to me ….but I didn’t want to bother him.

Fingers through my hair 

I don’t want to forget the night of 30th December. 

Serge and u were supposed to go a Spanish party.  The boyfriend of Alexandra is Spanish. She is an ex colleague of Serge. 

I didn’t feel like going very much but I was not going to say it.  So, we were resting in bed and decided not to go due some logistics issues as excuse. Well, next day we had to leave around 11 am.  

We didn’t go.  But it was getting late to get some food and drinks to celebrate.  It was around 7pm and we decide to go and explore around.  I was worried we wouldn’t find anything open but luckily we did.  

To be honest I wouldn’t have mind not to have something to celebrate new year  but I thought Serge wouldn’t be happy maybe also because he would think about me, right?

We did. We bought some stuff and sodas to take home. We walked a lot. But at the end we had food, wine and tequila.

We got wasted. 

But what I wanted to remember is that I was sitting and there was a mirror in front of me. He was behind me and started touching my hair… Your hair is so dark, he said.  

It made me feel beautiful. It was a way of saying so. I felt that way. 

I felt like he was opening himself to me. 

But I guess he ever really did.  

I stay with this moment.  He.. Playing with my hair. 

He and I sitting somewhere in the Netherlands. 

Nothing else happened that night. 

I we don’t remember when we fall asleep.