Pintas de colores mis mañanas sólo tú ..

Hoy fue un día un poco agitado.
Empezó a las 8am cuando fui a darle a José unos regalos, fue muy rápido todo.
Yo no quería importunarlo porque sé que tenía planes.

Su visita no fue nada como algunas veces los planeamos. Antes de venir el dejaba de escribirme y así.
No sé por qué y nunca se lo pregunté directamente, ¿para qué?.

Nos vimos 4 veces, 2 veces súper rápidas y otras 2 pasó casi todo el día conmigo.
Nos besamos bien sólo una vez, creo que fue en el metro, él me besó. A veces el me tocaba, pero no sé por qué nada se materializo.

Después de 3 años, otra vez nada se materializa entre nosotros. Recuerdo que cuando estabamos en China él uso un pretexto de trabajo para ir a mi habitación, salió a fumar al balcón, me llamó y ahí me besó. A pesar de que tenía novia y todo.
Pasaron 3 años, el se casó y ahora hasta se divorció. No entendí porque venía a mi ciudad, pero me dijo que con su novia había planeado este viaje, que terminaron pero ya tenían los pasajes y todo y pues vinieron, obvio en el mismo avión y en el mismo hotel, eso suena un poco sospechoso, pero es José con el nada es fácil o claro.
Creo no deberia sorprenderme, quizás hasta seguía con ella aquí, por eso el evito decirme en qué hotel estaba y así.
Para qué me pregunto esto … no vale la pena.

Otro momento en que las cosas no se nos dan ….

Cuando me fui, después de despedirme me dieron ganas de llorar, ganas que no tuve cuando se fue Sergey o cuando me iba dejando a Tad.

Entre otras cosas Tad ya me tiene harta. Me ayuda a lidear con mi soledad, pero ya basta. Parece un niño chiquito que sólo quiere que se haga lo que el quiere.
Creo es mejor librarme de él ahora, así no le tendré que comprar sus medicinas, jaja.
Ok, mañana no le escribiré.

FEELING: Me siento bien, pero tengo que dejar mi adicciòn a Ta y a las redes sociales.

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La última vez que le veo .. 18.12.03 L

Eso lo escribí hoy en twitter y es posible que sea así.

Yo no pensaba seriamente que sería asi.

Hoy me sentia un poco triste, ya que el fue un poco indiferente conmigo durante el día, pero qué me puedo esperar de él si desde el principio él me dijo “no te enamores de mí” …

Sí los cálculos no me fallan y le fallan, el me besó en GTW el sábado 10 de Noviembre, el 12 de vino a mi casa y el 14 se acostó conmigo, algo que recuerdo fue cuando íbamos a consumar el acto, me besó y me dijo “por la primera de miles”.

Esa noche fue increíble, después de meses de celibato, ese hombre me llevó al cielo como nunca nadie.

Y hoy 3 de diciembre, se fue de mi casa, a las 11:35 pm…. porque estaba comiendo en mi cama y se le cayó un pesado de la comida congelada que me trajo … me enojé y le dije usa el platooooo… pero el plato estaba caliente … como ya le había dicho antes.

Dijo que no quería estar más aquí y se empezó a vestir.  Me disculpé, pero decidió irse y decidí no rogarle.

Justo antes estaba pensando eso, que no tenía porque andar rogando cariño de ningún hombre.

Bien lo decía Karen, las mujeres damos sexo para que nos den amor y los hombres dan amor para recibir sexo. ¡Qué palabras tan ciertas! Las sentí calándomela dentro más que nunca.

La verdad, es que el no me gustaba pero bueno ahi estoy yo, terminando empiernándome con él.

La semana pasada en la noche me acompañó a North V .. y el me quería agarrar de la mano y cosas así que no me hacían sentirme cómoda. Pero supongo que con otra persona como Josip o Fabio me habrían gustado.

Además según el yo mire a unos chicos rubios que iban pasando y se puso algo jealous… I cant believe it.

Ya antes me había dado cuenta que a él no le gustaban algunas cosas mías, y que a veces yo era algo insoportable para él, una pesada como tantas veces me lo dijo. Pero hoy, llegó a su máximo. Siempre lo jodo, porque no ensucie mi cuarto, y hoy no aguantó más y se fue… sin calcetines, le urgía irse.

El dice que soy muy mandona.

El Lunes me voy de viaje así que estos días debería haber sido tranquilos … ya después al irme le diría que pensará qué onda con nosotros.  Pero quizás no hay nosotros. Y así esta bien, antes de que se hiciera indispensable.

El quería que le contara la historia del prenupcial que le hice, seguro se imaginaba cosas muy locas, pero no lo es …tanto. creo, ¿no?.

El chaste es que se fue hoy, ya no sé si escribirle o no. Lo haré diciendo que dejo su cinturón olvidado.

Siempre le decía “eres un romántico” de forma irónica, pero el decía que quizas había otras maneras de demostrar las cosas…como viajar desde North V con comida y bebidas para nosotros. Quizás.

Casi nunca salimos, la verdad, era más venir a mi casa, comer algo y follar. Y así estaba bien para mi, así no gastábamos y no nos veían en público. Sí, esa es parte de la verdad. Una vez fuimos a comer comida china, a pesar de que la comida fue mala, me la pase bien, me gustó su compañía. El sábado para el domingo se quedó a dormir en mi casa, fue la segunda vez que lo hizo. Salimos juntos como a las 7:30 am y me sentí excelente saliendo a su lado, tomando el tren, en esa mañana fría.

¿Me estoy enamorando de él? Lo dudo, pero creo que apacigua mi soledad. Quizás la soledad es la que nos hace soportar eso. No me gusta que sea tan mugrsosín, pero me aguanté, pero quizás si me pasé.

Hoy hubo momentos en que me quedé así cómo ..para que vienes si solo vas a ver youtube y me vas a ignorar. Mejor quédate en tu casa, pensé, pero obvio no lo dije. ¿Y qué quería yo? Quería que me mimará, que me besara, que me escuchara, que platicara conmigo y no que solo se echara a ver cosas que quería.

Ahí me cayó mal, pero bueno ahora no está …. y no me siento mal, ni triste. Pero no sé, era lindo tener a alguien ….

Depression is stalking me … 11 OCT 2018

Everything started by him telling he was going to marry.

I concludedI the day and I was right.

I thought it would not affect me, and even by knowing the day. I felt OK.

Some days later, I found of some of my colleagues went out together and as usual, they didnt invite me.

To be honest, it touched me, and I refused to go to the party they had on Sunday night.

I stayed at home thinking about excused I could make for not going… That was like seeing an old picture of my life…

On Saturday I didn’t have volunteer so I could rest and I got better for my flu.

I decided to go to the English cafe with Yumi and it was nice. I met a handsome Chinese guy and a Turkish guy.

But we didn’t go to dinner so I came back home early, during the commuting some drunk guy introduced himself to me .. I was nervous because I don’t like to deal with such people, they can be dangerous I think, but I got off in the next station.

  

On Monday, I went to work as usual … but after leaving my job place I took the bus and I couldn’t help myself .. and I started crying.

Why?

So many emotions were in my heart hiding… and I think I know why …

For the rejection I felt from my coworkers … It did hurt me …

For his wedding …. It did hurt me

My trainers stolen outside my house … It doesn’t hurt, but it was not a good think.

For my pitiful raise of 2.75% that is around 0.35 Cents. … a fucking joke…

All these hurt me …  even if I act as it doesn’t.

I saw a picture of the wedding through Vikis WhatsApp status.

I started searching for wedding ideas, thinking my wedding would be much better than his.

But what If? What If I never married?

I talked to him yesterday, I felt envy for everything he got for me… and how I did not get anything.

I know it is not a good feeling.

I really think I must stop talking to him.. It won’t take me to anywhere.

What happen …happens .

You know, I think if his girlfriend were not pregnant we could be together and today I thought.. Why you didn’t wait for me?

It is over.

he wrote me in his wedding day:

Wish me luck laf. And one thing I can and will promise you on this day. I will always love you and keep ur place in my heart and if u will want it, you will have me in ur life… God bless you 🙅‍♂

idiot …  I should get away …

Did I tell you?

Did I ever tell you how I met Fabio?

Well, since I saw him in the laboratory I liked him and some how I knew he was Brazilian. He was a housemate of Edward, so I guess from him I knew his name.

One day, I got an email about the houses and he was on copy. Now, I had his name and email.

I have met him in the cafeteria a couple of times. We just said hi and smile. So, one day I wrote him in the company chat, just being friendly and polite.

I went on holidays to the beach.

I came back. He gave me his cellphone.
On Friday he asked me if I was in town. I was hitting the gym but after that we went out to a German named bar when we drank honey beer, my favorite in 2×1.

I got drunk and I think I told him Brazilians were handsome then he asked me… Then why you don’t kiss me?

Hahhahaa
That was the beginning. 😋🤩☺️😳😈🤫🤭

It´s over .. adiós

Today I had a dream about Josef, I dreamt he came to see me, he was looking very good and I told him something like I almost don talk to you because I dont want to know that you have someone else in your life, I cant stand that. I cant see you happy with someone else.

After my dream I wrote to him that we should meet. I thought we could meet again before deciding if we belong together or not. His answer were not so clear. He told me he had someone now (as I thought) and that even she might be pregnant now.

That´s all.

All I needed to now. It is over.

Maybe God is saving me from something. I remember many things I didnt like about Josef, like his lack of ambition.

I think is better this way.

I cried, yes I did. I won´t deny it.

Maybe is my fear of staying alone forever. But I shouldnt see people as an option.

Yesterday, José wrote me and told me he got divorced and that we would love to see me .. maybe from there was that I dreamt about Josef.

He never told me personal details of his life .. I did … I told him about the brazilians, etc.

He just told me once he would marry one girl there. When he was drunk a couple of times he sent me messages saying I am the one that I should go fast or all is over.

But now all is over.

It is ok, so I don´t see him as an option.

And now I’m glad I didn’t know 
The way it all would end the way it all would go 
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain 
But I’d have to miss the dance 

I miss you

I noticed today was Fab´s birthday and I decided to congratulate him.

He said he misses me.

I wonder if he does. .. maybe he does because he has not a reason to say it if he doesn’t feel this way.

He is in my hometown now I told her I am going this weekend. But I dont think we are going to meet. I dont care now.

Maybe because I didn’t get fit as I wanted, but also because I got over him a lot time ago.

But he is my friend still and I like him and I think maybe he didn’t lie to me and I am special to him.  He is 38 yo now, but he is still hot as fire.

We met again (31th August)

He spent almost a month in Brazil … later he went to Panama. I quit my job meanwhile .. He came back…on Monday … in fact it was already Tuesday. I was monitoring him in the office chat to check if he was online .. therefore in the office. . but he wasn’t .
I didn’t see him on Tuesday. On Wednesday finally I saw him. He asked me: do you have time for coffee with an old friend? I walked to the other building´s cafeteria to see him. There he was …as always, tall and gorgeous … looking great in that blue jacket.

He hugged me … longer than I expected. He gave me a cup he bought for me . . that says ¨Brasil, beleza¨. He said he chose that when he saw the ¨beleza¨ He thinks I say this world too much. Probably, I do since I think that is what Brazilians say.

We sat down in the table and I told him I quit .. I told him my plans and he said finally it seems I had a ¨plan¨ and that I look very happy about it. I was nervous since he asked me before to do a plan about what I wanted to do … business model canvas (BMC) that according to him we can use it for any plan, so my mind would get used to work in a structured way. He is a PM, at the end. He even told me before he wanted to see the plan. It made me feel like he does care about me … in someway.

Anyway, that was on Wednesday. I want to meet him outside the office madly, that day I went to the gym and I finished tired of boxing, plus there was a small flood outside my house, so it would make difficult to go out or return home later. We didn’t meet that day, but we did the next day.

On Thursday it was my last day of work, Chris told me to go out to have some drinks as my farewell party, Memo also wanted this, but I didn’t have time to think about it since I had to pack all my things and also I wanted to spend the night with Fabs.

So, I moved to a place I booked through Airbnb and I was ready to meet Fabs. He was going on Friday early morning, so there was no other chance to meet. We went to place we visited the first time we went out .. yes, that night when I was dunk and he asked me ¨why don’t you kiss me¨. Dinner was nice, I wasn’t really hungry since before I had dinner and tea with my gym mate Pedro, but ok .. all I really wanted was to be with the Brazilian guy. 

We were chatting and drinking honey beer, jeje, and suddenly a girl gave me a paper to write my comments about the service. He asked me, does it say something about the company? Because I haven’t got any kisses .. .DAMN!!! I had to kiss him!! Why I had not kissed him? I don’t know .. maybe I was not sure he would want to continue with our thing … 

Why can he kiss me first? Anyway, we kissed. I love his kisses. 

I went to the bathroom and when I returned to had already asked and paid the bill.

We called an Uber and we went to his house … (probably because I was living in an Airbnb). Finally we arrived, such a nice house where he lives with some Asians guys from the company.

I saw his room, his table was a mess, a lot of papers there. I saw his guitar, he wanted to play something but he hadn’t had time to adjust the guitar strings.

Finally, he had condoms! So, surely he knew we would end up in his room.

That night, I don’t know why, but sex was not that good as last time. 

When we finished, as he always left my place and never stayed, I was not sure if I should go home or what. I think he told me something as please stay, we slept naked in his bed, it was cold due the fan so we were under the blankets. I remember his body touching my body, his arm around me I think, it was a bit uncomfortable for me but Ok i felt asleep.

He set his alarm at 6 but it didn’t ring. 

At 6:10 my alarm started ringing … that alarm I never heard the days I had to wake up to go to work .. that alarm sounded and saved us .. he put his clothes on fast and packed his suitcase and grabbed his guitar …

I told him there was a bus at 7,30 that he could take to the airport.

He said we would ask for an Uber to take him to the bus station and then it can bring me home. 

So, we did it. There he was with his suitcase and his guitar … he really looks good even at 6 am ..

He grabbed my hand during the way to the bus station, for me this was very strange because I always felt wall between us .. maybe he didn’t want to stay too close and thats why he never spent the night at my place. I don’t know … should I spend time to think what he felt? I am not sure, maybe I just need to realize he CARES about me … in his way …but he does. 

We arrived …. He kissed me and he said . see you in M City. 

By WhatsApp we don’t talk that much, in fact, he is not online that much there ..and all the time we spent together …he can stay hours without looking as his cellphone …

So, I don’t wanna write to him anymore, probably we will meet in October, when he returns.