23 June The best version

Today I was listening to the meditation of Deepak Chopra.

He was talking about success …and what is really that?

I believe success is to be true to yourself and do what makes you happy.

So, What am I on Earth for?

I discovered this a couple of months or maybe years ago… I came to this world to SERVE, to help … but this is very broad … I am working to make it more precise, I am here to support people who feel sad, to encourage them.

I am here to hug the ones who feel lonely, because I have felt lonely before.

But now, I want to be the best version of me, to be a real example for others of how to be the best version of theirselves.

today, Saturday 23 of June, I will make this my goal, to encourage others to be the best by being an example of this.

how am I going to attain this?

-Getting a fit body, for health more than beauty

-Daiting the boy I like. I will invite him out. If not, it is fine.

-Letting the past go. Bye Laf, Good Bless you.

-I will be a friend of my friends.

-Getting the job I want.  I deserve the job I want, I willl apply, I won’t be scared.

I can be the best version of me and everybody else can.

I want my life to be a living proof that everything is possible, an example. I want to encourage people.

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o que você faz comigo?

I decided the Brazilians guys were over. I decided to move on. I even told Josef about them. I don’t expect to see Josef anymore, so why not? What we had is over.Plus, I don’t want him to have any illusion about me.

So, why does it bother me when he does not write me? Maybe, it hits my ego, but it is the natural way of things to finish. We are not a couple anymore.

So, Fabs came back and he just told me on whatsapp after days without writing me anything at all. Maybe he didn’t write me because I saw the picture of he with his little daughter, so I assume he assumes (lol) now I know he is married. Perhaps he thinks I have a problem with this …do I? No, I don’t have it at all. In fact, I always knew he was married, I saw his rings a couple of times. I was just pretending I didn’t know to calm down my guilt.

Guilt? Why should I be guilty? I can’t go around asking to all the men I met .. are you married?  It is his sin, not mine. Or at least, I want to think like that.

People can get lonely. We were lonely. To be honest, he is kinda boring I am always the one who talks and tells funny stories. But I find him very attractive and… I don’t know anyone else who I want to sleep with now.

I know this relation can’t go anywhere.. and that is pretty fine for me.

I was thinking that all last year was amazing, because I was living in other city,  enough far to allow me to live life the way I wanted. Thinking seriously, I brought home 4 guys to my house …  Ed which was a total lame in bed,  Sam, who didn’t know that inviting someone over to watch Netflix means to get laid (that wasn’t my intentions to him), my coworker who just went to my home to have a nap… and Fab ..who is fabulous.

I dislike living back here. I need to tell where I am going… I am not free as before, and certainly I can not bring someone home. Also, moving here is more difficult and expensive. Such stories could not have passed in other city than in Q.  I love Q.

I won’t write him anymore. I am not sure of what I should do. Well, I am under recovery after a surgery I had last Tuesday and I still not sure where the stitches can be removed. Sometimes, when I do some movements, I feel as if they could ¨break¨ and that is certainly something I want to avoid. I think the Canada plan would delay to 2018, since I want to be totally sure of my recovery. A week has passed and I still feel them numb… I hope it will end soon.

Fab was talking to me long .. because he had questions about he skydiving  .. I wonder if that is just the reason … or if he wants to see me too. Well, I am sure he wants to meet, if not why he told me he is back …as Panda said its surely not to go to the library to read.

Thats fine for me … I don’t want him for something serious.

 

 

 

 

NU DEVANT MOI

Have you ever fucked a person and be proud of yourself?

I remember that night, he was sitting on my chair looking like a Roman God …shirtless .. probably totally nude.

the First time I saw him was in the laboratory .. I opened to door for him and a Chinese guy … He thanked me for bothering (I was in a training in the lab). I didn’t bother me at all, since he was a tall, tanned, handsome guy.

I was bothered for the others but not by him.

I used to see him during lunch time. He arrived always late, so sometimes he had problems to find a table. I used to joke to my colleagues that I would say ¨Hey, there´s a seat here¨. But I noticed he always ate lunch with a friend of him, another Brazilian.

How did I know he was Brazilian? I have no idea ..  but I knew it.

He was a roommate of one of my friends, so one day they headed to my place in the office and asked me if I have a cup since the office ran out of cups lol. I didn’t have any, so next thing I did when I get home it was to put an extra cup (xícara) in my bag to bring to the office (just in case).

I remember other day I met him in the cafeteria … but I only said something as hello …and he did the same and smile. I didn’t know what to say, so we continue doing coffee.

So, one day, I recieved an email related to some dorms and he was in the loop.  I have his full name now and his work ID number. What did I do? … some days later I remember that email and took his ID and wrote it in the messenger. There he was, I was shy but WTF I just messaged him.  Hello!!!  -Hello, he replied. I asked him if he knew who I was .. he said: -Sure, the cups manager.

What did I write him? What did it expect from it? I am surely never imagined I would finish in bed with him.  I just want to get to know him.

Edward (one friend in common) told me The Brazilian used to walk around the house shirtless, and that he was married and have a daughter. He also sent me an screenshot, where I could see the Brazilian send a pic of him and Eddie said:  It looks so delicious.  Eddie made it sound sexual.  I didn’t think about this until days and days later. He I was already slept with The Brazilian, later I asked to myself …Did Eddie sleep with him too? That would have been very awkward, no?

He always complained about the meals in the canteen so I offered to go to eat outside on Friday.  We met and he said, -so, just the two of us? .

– Yes, is that a problem?

– Not at all

He said my car was nice and  then I drove. He help me with the directions, he is more observant that I am. We went to a nice German place and had a nice time. I learnt ´cheers´ in Portuguese was Saude.

I think that day he asked for my phone, or maybe some days before. That Friday night I went to the gym and he wrote me? Are you here? I said that I was and then we agreed to go out that night.

That was the night when he asked me- Why don’t you kiss me? So I did. .. That night I said  we couldn’t go to my place (to sleep together, obviously) because it was a mess but I told  him that tomorrow we could go.

He is so serious … next day I tried to  invite him to eat .. I think my choice of place wasn’t the best … I tried to pay but he said he didn’t like girls to pay. So, I never tried to paid again, haha.  Later we went to a bar (the same bar When I first dated the first Brazilian, haha) the drinks weren’t to good but we were kinda drunk to go to my place and have sex.

I remember that he wanted to try my drinks from my lips, but he always wanted me to do the first move … I don’t know why … he gave me hints (that I never caught) like let me try it… haha

I had to take the pill of the next day, in less than a month. I know, such irresponsible  people we were.  But, I never thought this would end in being lovers.

Once he tried to stop it, he just said , lets be normal friends, no sex. We went to the cinema that day. I got the tickets online and he offered to pay, I said no need. At the end he took me to my car, closed the door and ran away … probably he didn’t want to fall in my charm.

Next time we went to a bar, I didn’t see him and kept walking, I remember how he told me to sit by his side to watch the concert. He grabbed me and kissed me .. finally. I think that was the first time he took the initiative.

He left …so soon after he came back …

Sometimes I was wondering what would he be doing in Panama. Maybe he had already a lover over there. But there is no point of thinking that. To be honest, I think I would have fucked other of the Brazilians in the office … it is not as we have a commitment.

Some days later, he added a picture in WhatsApp with his daughter .. how i know the beautiful kid was his? Because they looked so much alike, hahaha! So, Eddie was not lying, he is married and have a children. Maybe he is divorced?  Maybe.

I never asked him and he never said anything. He put off his ring when we went out. I saw it in his finger a couple of times in the office.

I supposed he will come back, I am not sure if we would meet… Hopefully … but then I would want to sleep with him again … even if I am not sure if he gave me something since we always have unprotected sex.  Ok, not always, last time he finally got a camizinha (condom).

How do I feel? Friday 29-10-2017

It has been almost a month since I quit my job.

I remember I had a lot of plan of what I could do after quitting.

Well, I have not done so many things as I should have expected.

Why? I am not quite sure.

It is as if I had not enough time. I know it sounds ridiculous, but sometimes I didn’t even have time to hit to the gym.

I realized that not having a “must do” makes me lazy. Why should I wake up early? I dont have a job, so what´s the point?   I have tried it but I didnt success. I am not sure why.

For example, tomorrow I want to wake up early to go for a run, would I succeed? I dont think so was my answer but I think I need to change my mindset. That is? If since the beginning I think I wouldn’t do it, for sure I won’t do it.

I need to change my mindset and start doing all the things I wanna do .