How do I feel? Friday 29-10-2017

It has been almost a month since I quit my job.

I remember I had a lot of plan of what I could do after quitting.

Well, I have not done so many things as I should have expected.

Why? I am not quite sure.

It is as if I had not enough time. I know it sounds ridiculous, but sometimes I didn’t even have time to hit to the gym.

I realized that not having a “must do” makes me lazy. Why should I wake up early? I dont have a job, so what´s the point?   I have tried it but I didnt success. I am not sure why.

For example, tomorrow I want to wake up early to go for a run, would I succeed? I dont think so was my answer but I think I need to change my mindset. That is? If since the beginning I think I wouldn’t do it, for sure I won’t do it.

I need to change my mindset and start doing all the things I wanna do .

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We met again (31th August)

He spent almost a month in Brazil … later he went to Panama. I quit my job meanwhile .. He came back…on Monday … in fact it was already Tuesday. I was monitoring him in the office chat to check if he was online .. therefore in the office. . but he wasn’t .
I didn’t see him on Tuesday. On Wednesday finally I saw him. He asked me: do you have time for coffee with an old friend? I walked to the other building´s cafeteria to see him. There he was …as always, tall and gorgeous … looking great in that blue jacket.

He hugged me … longer than I expected. He gave me a cup he bought for me . . that says ¨Brasil, beleza¨. He said he chose that when he saw the ¨beleza¨ He thinks I say this world too much. Probably, I do since I think that is what Brazilians say.

We sat down in the table and I told him I quit .. I told him my plans and he said finally it seems I had a ¨plan¨ and that I look very happy about it. I was nervous since he asked me before to do a plan about what I wanted to do … business model canvas (BMC) that according to him we can use it for any plan, so my mind would get used to work in a structured way. He is a PM, at the end. He even told me before he wanted to see the plan. It made me feel like he does care about me … in someway.

Anyway, that was on Wednesday. I want to meet him outside the office madly, that day I went to the gym and I finished tired of boxing, plus there was a small flood outside my house, so it would make difficult to go out or return home later. We didn’t meet that day, but we did the next day.

On Thursday it was my last day of work, Chris told me to go out to have some drinks as my farewell party, Memo also wanted this, but I didn’t have time to think about it since I had to pack all my things and also I wanted to spend the night with Fabs.

So, I moved to a place I booked through Airbnb and I was ready to meet Fabs. He was going on Friday early morning, so there was no other chance to meet. We went to place we visited the first time we went out .. yes, that night when I was dunk and he asked me ¨why don’t you kiss me¨. Dinner was nice, I wasn’t really hungry since before I had dinner and tea with my gym mate Pedro, but ok .. all I really wanted was to be with the Brazilian guy. 

We were chatting and drinking honey beer, jeje, and suddenly a girl gave me a paper to write my comments about the service. He asked me, does it say something about the company? Because I haven’t got any kisses .. .DAMN!!! I had to kiss him!! Why I had not kissed him? I don’t know .. maybe I was not sure he would want to continue with our thing … 

Why can he kiss me first? Anyway, we kissed. I love his kisses. 

I went to the bathroom and when I returned to had already asked and paid the bill.

We called an Uber and we went to his house … (probably because I was living in an Airbnb). Finally we arrived, such a nice house where he lives with some Asians guys from the company.

I saw his room, his table was a mess, a lot of papers there. I saw his guitar, he wanted to play something but he hadn’t had time to adjust the guitar strings.

Finally, he had condoms! So, surely he knew we would end up in his room.

That night, I don’t know why, but sex was not that good as last time. 

When we finished, as he always left my place and never stayed, I was not sure if I should go home or what. I think he told me something as please stay, we slept naked in his bed, it was cold due the fan so we were under the blankets. I remember his body touching my body, his arm around me I think, it was a bit uncomfortable for me but Ok i felt asleep.

He set his alarm at 6 but it didn’t ring. 

At 6:10 my alarm started ringing … that alarm I never heard the days I had to wake up to go to work .. that alarm sounded and saved us .. he put his clothes on fast and packed his suitcase and grabbed his guitar …

I told him there was a bus at 7,30 that he could take to the airport.

He said we would ask for an Uber to take him to the bus station and then it can bring me home. 

So, we did it. There he was with his suitcase and his guitar … he really looks good even at 6 am ..

He grabbed my hand during the way to the bus station, for me this was very strange because I always felt wall between us .. maybe he didn’t want to stay too close and thats why he never spent the night at my place. I don’t know … should I spend time to think what he felt? I am not sure, maybe I just need to realize he CARES about me … in his way …but he does. 

We arrived …. He kissed me and he said . see you in M City. 

By WhatsApp we don’t talk that much, in fact, he is not online that much there ..and all the time we spent together …he can stay hours without looking as his cellphone …

So, I don’t wanna write to him anymore, probably we will meet in October, when he returns.  

Thursday 20th July 2017

On Wednesday I decided to avoid gym, I had taken the postday pills on Monday and I was feeling weak after a new session of kickboxing with the new trainer. 
I arrived early at home to find bound Hector was not longer living in the house. I suppose it was OK since he had been a pain in the bass during the last couple of days. This was the end of my favorite roomies. 
I put my shorts on but I probably left my room twice when I went to wash my bandage for kickboxing. Probably, it was d there when I got sick. I was doing so stuff to finish a report and suddenly at night I feel pain in my throat. I thought with sleep and tea all would be fine next day. 
On Thursday, Fabs asked me if I could grab him anything to eat on the go, of course I would, I told him I would stop at Starbucks and I got coffee and a sandwich for him. Damn, I forgot my Starbucks card that day and I still need to get it back.
I arrived to my office and realized I forgot my computer at home, I decided to left. I visited the doctor and got some injections 😖💉
I went home and sleep a bit in the noon. After, he wrote me to check how I was since he didn’t see me during lunch. I took my car to wash and he told me that he was leaving on Saturday, as it was planned since the beginning. I was shocked, so fast. I thought we would have more time to spend together, but thanks to Eduardo I realized we didn’t. 
Fabs told me on the company’s chat but I didn’t see it because I was sleeping. I felt a bit sad and empty. 
I had said to Fabs that we should go to take coffee again in that Irish place he liked (excuse for me). He said it was probably going to rain and that I should not leave my house. I said I was feeling better since I just wanted to spend time with him.  
I told him we could get some good to be delivered at home and I did order some Argentinian food that arrived fast at home. He brought a coke.
As usually, there was no a movie to watch. I remember once he kissed me in the face, as I have Faringitis it was not a good idea to kiss and I thought we would not spend another night together due my sickness. 
I asked him about his ideal job and he said it would be to have his own company of software development.. But to make a difference, to create something it would make an impact in the life of others. He is great. I admire him. 
He left around 1 am, he came to my home to check how I was. He said I looked OK. He asked me in the afternoon, how many days you have left? When I told him I went to the doctor. 
When he told me he would come I felt happy, I was jumping of happiness and I got tired. I just like to spend time with him.
Taxi came and we kissed on the lips. I thought maybe I would not see him again. Or maybe yes, on Friday in the office.  

He was joking me how Dr hagrid would be so happy on Friday to inject me and see my ass jaja. Because Fabs is a PM and he doesn’t know how to do it. 

Friday 7th July, 2017

That Friday I invited a lot of people to the gym to go clubbing, why? Because I want to go out with ¨The Brazilian, Fabs who is my fav”.

The night started with me arriving rushing to my house. Taking out my Net stockings that I had just bought for this night. I had a wine color dress and some booties. I think I was looking very nice, but yeah, I am a bit chubby.

I arrived late to meet Peter and he and I went to a nice brewery. They had delicious craft beer. Gaby arrived later and around 10:30 we moved to the club.

Fabs hadn’t  arrived, he arrived around midnight and I was already drunk.

I remember texting him, hurry up, since the most time it passes the more difficult is for me to unblock my phone. Finally, he arrived, gosh, he is hot.

Cari and Gabi told me he was very fine… a gay blondie, Paco, also said..he hated me for being eating such a guy.

I remember we were dancing, reggeaton and hip hop, I also, remember (kinda) that I was sitting in the club. Later, I found out I actually fell asleep twice that night.

I remember going towards Fabs and he was just trying to calm me down saying ¨despacito¨to me, haha.  Later, he told me it was because I was like crazy, and spilled his drink 4 times.

Gaby was making out with a teenager that was next to us. Later, she escaped without paying her part of the bill, also she took Peter´s money, because he left early, more less at the time that Fabs arrived.  Cari and Gaby said because he is into me, and well, I was very busy with Fabs, of course.

I tried to pay my part of the bill. That night we drank Buchanan´s. But, this gentleman of course didn’t let me pay. Next time in the gym, Cari told me, Fabs was very nice all night with me, taking care I didn’t fall, just standing in front of me watching me while I was sleeping in the club, jaja, paying my bill and taking me home.

We came home, and yes, again had irresponsible intercorse.  I don’t remember much, He finished on my back and sent me to take a shower. I did, left the bathroom with a towel on and lay in bed. He went to the bathroom … 

Thats all I remember. I woke up next day alone in my bed. He had left, as he did the Friday before.

I was feeling a bit sad .. nostalgic or empty …

But I didn’t have much time to be sad. Next I had to drive around 25 mins to check a house I wanted to buy. My mom came also to checked, at the end she got mad because the sellers want me to sign some documents but still it was not for sure that I would get my house, so why to sign?

Anyway, my mom was right when things are for you …they simply are, and it seems that house was not for me. It was too far away from the center, probably not a Smart decision.

I had told Fabs that we could do a lot of things on Saturday and Sunday.

But he barely wrote me during that weekend… I didn’t want to bother him. He knew the plans I had and if he didn’t say a Word.. it was obvious his answer.

I slept in the afternoon, maybe to see the time pass, trying to avoid thinking he didn’t write to me.

And well, yes, I was waiting for he to write to me ….but I didn’t want to bother him.

Finally writing more

Why so?

Because I’m uncomfty in the bus. There’s no enough space for my long legs, neither enough life to read my book.

So I decided to write a little.

I decides I would drive from now on to my work. Tho, I dont know the way. I think now what stops me is that.

Fear has been overcome for the horrible long commutings.

For example, yesterday the bus broke down and left us in the middle of nothing. I had to take other bus, no seats available, of course. And then then take other bus … Pfff.

It was so hot.
I need to drive
..

wrong bus

I guess I got to meet him the 2th of September. I got extremely excited. AS usual I thought …oh he could be the one. 

The one….

next day after meeting him in a bus I arrived to my work place and had a email from him. I was more than happy. 

We started talking on Skype and as my friends told me I shouldn’t invite him out, he must be the one who needs to show interest.

Days passed and passed …

He even saved my phone number and whatsapp me once. Later, he barely reply to my messages. 

Time passed and he never invited me out or made any move to see us again …

I was ok, since I couldn’t go out with him since Josef was here. 

yes, that fucks me so much … Roger came to my life just few days before Josef´s arrival and he stole part of my mind… I should have focus on Josef but my mind and heart was wandering after this guy that I just saw once in the bus.

He was just wandering there … walking there …invading me and the time I had to fully enjoy next to Josef.

What was Roger hiding?

One of the many time when I asked him when would we meet … (he was supposed to come to my office to install something) he said just gimme an opportunity to put things in order.

What did he need to put in order?

He asked me for my Facebook but I told him I didn’t have .. I didn’t want him to see Josef … 

I decided to look for him and saw some of his pictures … on one there was he with a baby …

I was suspicious he could be a father ..

DAys later he told me ..you need to know I have a little one of four years old …

I acted as there was no problem, because there was no problem …

Then he would finally go over my building …

He said he moved everything and almost killed his boss in order to do that project in my building …

He called me by phone, he talked for 15 minutes …

I was going to see him next day …

The day came, I took one of my best outfits … tight pants and a blue blouse, I was looking gorgeous …

He told me on Skype, Dani, just some details and we go to your building and I will look for you ….

what time? I asked.

IT is a surprise …

It really was because he never showed up…

I wrote him on whatsapp and on Skype but he never replied…

I was waiting ..he never came…

Next day I wrote him on Skype but I didn’t mention anything about yesterdays.

He was moody because he said he just slept one hour …

After days playing with his Skype updates …he wrote ..he fall in love with a woman of a green dress that he saw on his office floor …

that was a kick in my heart …

Daniel just told me …he just showed you he doesn’t give a fuck about you…

thats true …

I deleted him phone number from my mobile to stop writing him like that day I wrote him drunk at 5 am saying .. I fucking like you. 

and so far.. We haven’t talked in a week….

I did all I could to show him I was interested, but ok, I cant force people to be with me …

I am starting to get over him, after all I just met him once in my life …

but I must confess he is bipolar … he talked to me  at times like someone in love and others like if I was nothing (I guess I am).

So, this shows how pathetic my life is that I get super excited for having some illusion in my gray life …