It’s been a while since the last time I wrote.

Wednesday, May 16

Last time I wrote, I was “in love” of Fabs, the Brazilian guy. Months have passed since then. And today I talked with him, hehe.

At the moment I’m not romantically involved with any man. Sadly or wisely.

I moved to Canada in January 2nd.

I remember I used to be concerned about how it would be before I was applying for my study program. But I did it and I have been here for four months already.

Time flies.

At school I made a friend from my city but in February she started dating with a Swiss guy from our class, now they are in a relationship and we don’t hang out anymore. During all January we used to hang out practically every weekend and sometimes after class. Thanks to her I joined the gym.

Later, I met other friends. I think, tho I am not sure if they can be called friends and I don’t Care.

This was my chance to start again but I think I haven’t changed a lot or maybe I did.

Later I made friends of my roommates that are mostly from my same country and from a young girl from Vietnam. She is still a teenager so sometimes she is annoying hehe.

I started worked at a restaurant. OMG! I hate when I have to go, but I haven’t gone in 3 days and I already missed it.

Yesterday, I decided to go to my work party in the south of the province. OMG, it was so far away. I arrived late because I had to go to school, but I am glad I went to the party.

I met my Brazilian coworker in the last subway station and then we took a bus and walked and got lost so finally at 17hrs we made it.

I got surprised this girl is just 19 yo, this is crazy I am so much older than her..  :O

I spent a nice time even if I just stayed few hours to the party. At the end, a girl wanted to leave and I said, ok I can go with you. Which, was a good decision so I actually arrived faster to my home and I had to chanced to talk to her. She is older than me, and she is also here studying and well, she is living and facing the same things I am.

Something, Eduard told me before was that we need friends of our age or older and that is totally fine. I mostly hang with younger people but I need friends of my age or older, so I can grow up more .



Have you ever fucked a person and be proud of yourself?

I remember that night, he was sitting on my chair looking like a Roman God …shirtless .. probably totally nude.

the First time I saw him was in the laboratory .. I opened to door for him and a Chinese guy … He thanked me for bothering (I was in a training in the lab). I didn’t bother me at all, since he was a tall, tanned, handsome guy.

I was bothered for the others but not by him.

I used to see him during lunch time. He arrived always late, so sometimes he had problems to find a table. I used to joke to my colleagues that I would say ¨Hey, there´s a seat here¨. But I noticed he always ate lunch with a friend of him, another Brazilian.

How did I know he was Brazilian? I have no idea ..  but I knew it.

He was a roommate of one of my friends, so one day they headed to my place in the office and asked me if I have a cup since the office ran out of cups lol. I didn’t have any, so next thing I did when I get home it was to put an extra cup (xícara) in my bag to bring to the office (just in case).

I remember other day I met him in the cafeteria … but I only said something as hello …and he did the same and smile. I didn’t know what to say, so we continue doing coffee.

So, one day, I recieved an email related to some dorms and he was in the loop.  I have his full name now and his work ID number. What did I do? … some days later I remember that email and took his ID and wrote it in the messenger. There he was, I was shy but WTF I just messaged him.  Hello!!!  -Hello, he replied. I asked him if he knew who I was .. he said: -Sure, the cups manager.

What did I write him? What did it expect from it? I am surely never imagined I would finish in bed with him.  I just want to get to know him.

Edward (one friend in common) told me The Brazilian used to walk around the house shirtless, and that he was married and have a daughter. He also sent me an screenshot, where I could see the Brazilian send a pic of him and Eddie said:  It looks so delicious.  Eddie made it sound sexual.  I didn’t think about this until days and days later. He I was already slept with The Brazilian, later I asked to myself …Did Eddie sleep with him too? That would have been very awkward, no?

He always complained about the meals in the canteen so I offered to go to eat outside on Friday.  We met and he said, -so, just the two of us? .

– Yes, is that a problem?

– Not at all

He said my car was nice and  then I drove. He help me with the directions, he is more observant that I am. We went to a nice German place and had a nice time. I learnt ´cheers´ in Portuguese was Saude.

I think that day he asked for my phone, or maybe some days before. That Friday night I went to the gym and he wrote me? Are you here? I said that I was and then we agreed to go out that night.

That was the night when he asked me- Why don’t you kiss me? So I did. .. That night I said  we couldn’t go to my place (to sleep together, obviously) because it was a mess but I told  him that tomorrow we could go.

He is so serious … next day I tried to  invite him to eat .. I think my choice of place wasn’t the best … I tried to pay but he said he didn’t like girls to pay. So, I never tried to paid again, haha.  Later we went to a bar (the same bar When I first dated the first Brazilian, haha) the drinks weren’t to good but we were kinda drunk to go to my place and have sex.

I remember that he wanted to try my drinks from my lips, but he always wanted me to do the first move … I don’t know why … he gave me hints (that I never caught) like let me try it… haha

I had to take the pill of the next day, in less than a month. I know, such irresponsible  people we were.  But, I never thought this would end in being lovers.

Once he tried to stop it, he just said , lets be normal friends, no sex. We went to the cinema that day. I got the tickets online and he offered to pay, I said no need. At the end he took me to my car, closed the door and ran away … probably he didn’t want to fall in my charm.

Next time we went to a bar, I didn’t see him and kept walking, I remember how he told me to sit by his side to watch the concert. He grabbed me and kissed me .. finally. I think that was the first time he took the initiative.

He left …so soon after he came back …

Sometimes I was wondering what would he be doing in Panama. Maybe he had already a lover over there. But there is no point of thinking that. To be honest, I think I would have fucked other of the Brazilians in the office … it is not as we have a commitment.

Some days later, he added a picture in WhatsApp with his daughter .. how i know the beautiful kid was his? Because they looked so much alike, hahaha! So, Eddie was not lying, he is married and have a children. Maybe he is divorced?  Maybe.

I never asked him and he never said anything. He put off his ring when we went out. I saw it in his finger a couple of times in the office.

I supposed he will come back, I am not sure if we would meet… Hopefully … but then I would want to sleep with him again … even if I am not sure if he gave me something since we always have unprotected sex.  Ok, not always, last time he finally got a camizinha (condom).

How do I feel? Friday 29-10-2017

It has been almost a month since I quit my job.

I remember I had a lot of plan of what I could do after quitting.

Well, I have not done so many things as I should have expected.

Why? I am not quite sure.

It is as if I had not enough time. I know it sounds ridiculous, but sometimes I didn’t even have time to hit to the gym.

I realized that not having a “must do” makes me lazy. Why should I wake up early? I dont have a job, so what´s the point?   I have tried it but I didnt success. I am not sure why.

For example, tomorrow I want to wake up early to go for a run, would I succeed? I dont think so was my answer but I think I need to change my mindset. That is? If since the beginning I think I wouldn’t do it, for sure I won’t do it.

I need to change my mindset and start doing all the things I wanna do .