I don’t want to think about you

I got my period, so I suppose I’m not pregnant.

I thought about the possibilities. What would I have done if I was pregnant?

I think I would have had the baby, even with his dad living in Brazil. I would just have asked him to give him  his surname.

So, I could tell my son “your dad is Brazilian, syou will be a soccer player.” Hehe 

Yesterday iin the restaurant I was having lunch I saw two little boys in the table next to mine. I imagined how my child would and how I could be with him in the same restaurant some months later. 

I would like to have a baby boy..But I don’t think Fab and I would be together not even for a child.

But all these ideas are stupid. I’m not pregnant and maybe I  would ever meet again Fab. 

I have been thinking a lot  about  him lately. I should stop it. 

I don’t want to think about you. 

I’m not in love with him.  I don’t miss him. But I bet he would be a good dad and he definitely would provide a good DNA for a child.

No matter what I would get a pregnancy test, just in case. Second time in a year, way to go … 

Now go away of my thoughts…

I cried

I don’t remember when was the last time I cried. I thought I would cry when Sergey left in the airport, I thought about stopping  him and said “come on, do a proper farewell with a hug and a long kiss” but I didn’t.  I left him leave. 

I saw he turned but I walked away, why should I stay there seeing him passing migration? 

Anyway, he and I had irresponsible and unprotected sex once. I guess it was in Prague but my mind tricks me  to think it was in Budapest. 

I came back home and January is gone as my period. During all January there is not a hint of where my period is. After around ten days I got a bit anxious and finally bought a pregnancy test. 

I was nervous but I handled it. I have been thinking about  my baby and how he would change my life forever. But the result was negative. I was disappointed. Sergey would be a great dad. I always felt  nice and secure next to him . And if we didn’t fall in love I think we would if we spend more time together. Maybe. But I doubt we would even meet again…

I cried  and I realized how much I want to be a mother. I told myself  someday I would have a baby and a loving husband. I hope so. 

I also noticed I  don’t have a friend to Share this important moment. 

So I can change  now that I know I’m not pregnant. I could do things I wouldn’t be able to do with a baby. 

Tho a baby is not an excuse to live and enjoy life. It is not my time now. 

Everytime I more sure that even if I don’t get married I would dare to be a mother.